Colonoscopy time….again???

drano-liquid-clog-remover-NSomeone close to me is getting a colonoscopy this week. Instead of getting gritty with details, I am posting my colonoscopy essay from 2012. Nothing much has changed. The prep is still Drano and it’s best to have a gallon of bleach to clean up. Seatbelts on the toilet are also a good idea. Included is a link to the best ever article by (my idol) Dave Barry. Read both!

May 2012 — The beloved husband had a routine colonoscopy last week. It was his second. His last one was ten years ago. I have had three or four over the last 25 years. The last one was last summer. That makes me an expert. The procedure is not a big deal. What is a big deal is the huge clean out prior to the procedure. As I mothered  guided him through the process, I learned about the differences between the sexes.

It was easier for him than it was for me. I have always felt that I get overmedicated for everything not just a colonoscopy. I am small and weigh 112 pounds. He is tall and weighs 190 pounds. We got the same identical roto-rooter stuff. How can that be? I was chained to the toilet and had no control over my quivering body. I swear I flushed my lungs down the toilet. He, on the other hand, sashayed into the bathroom and then went back to reading his book.

Seriously, reading a book? I was throwing soiled clothing into the washing machine and he was leisurely drinking Liquid Plummer with iced tea (hold the lemon!). I used a gallon of bleach to clean the bathroom. Even the cats wouldn’t come near me and we all know they love stinky stuff.

He was content eating bowls of jello which I lovingly made for him. (I am a delightful and caring wife even if occasionally bossy.)

He had no cravings!!!! I can get cravings two hours after I am not supposed to eat something — sometimes it’s only two minutes! This was just so wrong.

His mantra was, “it’s only a day.” My mantra was, “please God, I’ll be good, just one mocha latte please!!” which was followed by wailing self-pity heard throughout the neighborhood. (Those professional wailers have nothing over me especially when it’s a medical procedure!)

I fantasized (for 24 hours) about the glorious dinner I would have after the procedure. I spent hours deciding if I would immediately have ice cream or wait for a steak dinner or maybe a soft pretzel or maybe lobster.

I asked him what he would like to eat afterwards and he didn’t care. Whatever I felt like making.

I did the fantasizing for him and came up with fried chicken. The kind with the fatty skin still on it! Yum! I had to eat it with him so he wouldn’t feel alone. I am a martyr.

The gown fit him better too. It was in a delightful shade of green that complimented his skin color. As I remember, I wrapped my gown around me three times. They had a hard time finding my….ummm…bottom. Mine was also in basic white which definitely washes me out.

The procedure went well. They did some snipping so he was…well….sore. He couldn’t define it but it wasn’t bad. After all he had the best designer drugs for the procedure. He was also full of gas (he he).  I remember being bloated.

Of course I would be bloated. They put a camera the size of movie gig complete with a person operating it up my wazoo guiding it around hairpins turns still coated with Drano. They don’t have smaller size equipment for smaller sized….ummm….people.

There is one bright side to this procedure. You lose weight. I was amazed at how little I weighed afterward which fed into my food fantasies. On the other hand, the beloved husband didn’t even bother to weigh himself. That’s just wrong!

Postscript: Dave Barry wrote the best article on colonoscopies. It is a must read for anyone over 50. Trust me it is spit-out-food and roll-on-the-floor funny. If you haven’t already read it, you can read it here .

Now if you are 50 or over and haven’t already had one, reread Dave Barry’s article — the part where his brother (age 50) had colon cancer caught by a colonoscopy! If you still won’t get one, send us the name of the funeral home to send the flowers.

53 thoughts on “Colonoscopy time….again???

  1. Loved your account of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Colonoscopy Edition”! Having just had my 2nd in 2 years last Monday, I can completely commiserate with you on the craving stuff just because I know I can’t have it and fantasizing about the post-procedure meal! “Satan’s Tears of Laughter” is what I call the lovely, slightly saline party starter. And it’s a hell of a party… which in my mind, the little guy with a pitch fork must find incredibly hilarious.
    My husband’s yet to enjoy this lovely rite of passage (pun not intended, butt…), so I can’t say how much he’d resemble yours, but I can only imagine he’d be pretty similarly nonchalant.

    I hope you don’t mind me adding for the sake of awareness though, that you don’t have to be 50 to have one of these prep parties followed by a glorious nap and your favorite meal! 🙂 I had my first at 31, due to some symptoms my doc assured me were just bacterial imbalances in my gut. However, my gut told me otherwise, so I persisted. Long story short, I had the colonoscopy. My bacterial imbalance ended up being 2 polyps that were removed. One small, no big deal. The other, an 18 mm adenocarcinoma. Caught just in time to prevent it from invading the rest of my colon and eventually, potentially my body. Apparently, after a little post-scope reading, my case is not nearly as uncommon as it used to be, but many folks in the under 50 group aren’t aware of that, including myself. I wrote about it in hopes of spreading the awareness: http://wp.me/p8QNhm-2f

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing. My experience, coupled with my prior ignorance about the fact that I had anything to worry about at my age, scared the (well, you know…) out of me. It scares me to think there are other me’s out there who may be in the same boat!

    Thanks for sharing your funny!

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  2. I do think that different systems adjust differently! I am not nearly as sensitive to medications as my husband. He gets loopy and has a hard time and I had my first colonoscopy about a year ago and was amazed at how easy it all was for me, at least by comparison to all the horror stories I’d been told. But whatever it takes, it’s a very important and lifesaving procedure. I lost a friend to colon cancer about 15 years ago. By the time it was diagnosed it was already too late. Now I’ll read Dave Barry and have a little laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. With all the technology and medical advances they’ve made in the world, you’d think someone would come up with a better way to clean out your system. I’ve had three of these and I have one coming up in about a year. I remember the first I one I had to drink castor oil. I gag just thinking about it now.
    But you’re right…getting it done every five years is a no brainier and could save your life. The worst part is drinking that stuff. The test is a piece of cake compared.
    BTW…Barry is hilarious

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had castor oil for my first too. Then a prep called “golightly” (seriously). Now it’s something different but not easier. I wish you could do a CAT or MRI first. If there is any reason for a “clean sweep” like polyps or something, then do it. I’ve had several of these and they never found anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I believe in the importance of colonoscopy. But I just can’t believe with all the high-tech ‘stuff’ that’s out there, they haven’t invented a better way than the Drano and pipe cleaning. I’ve tried the Drano several times and got so sick, each time, that I’ve been unable to have the procedure. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kate – you are spot on about the differences between the sexes when having a colonoscopy. So far, my husband and I have each had two of these lovely little procedures. My husband’s response was very similar to your husband’s. As for me — years of therapy would not be able to erase the horror!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t know why they don’t work to change things. For my last one I took 1/2 of the drinky stuff I was supposed to take and I was absolutely clear. I understand that you need to clean it out but gently! I need to try therapy…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. My hubby had his first colonoscopy about a year ago. What a nightmare! I thought I would have to call the fire company to hose out the bathroom. At my next appointment my doctor suggested that I should have the procedure as well. (very poor timing!) I raised an eyebrow and gave him the glare. He hasn’t brought it up since, but I know it’s only a matter of time before he starts bugging me again. He keeps telling me, and I quote: “We aren’t as young as we used to be, and parts are starting to wear out.”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Having just had one I can certainly commiserate with anyone having one. I craved Del Taco turkey tacos but the post-procedure nurse told the Gardener not to take me there! I was not happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. And, after reading how most medical testing is done on men, it’s no wonder recommended doses would affect each differently (and, not in a good way for women). I remember drinking that awful stuff before my procedure and the subsequent bonding sessions I had with the toilet. Unfortunately, any weight lost was quickly put on again after I made up for missed calories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The weight does come right back on. Of course you are starving so it’s hard to be good. I’ve had a couple of incidences of medications that were prescribed at a higher dose than I need. I am always sure to ask for the lowest possible dose.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Because they tell you not to drive (among other things) after a colonoscopy, I had to arrange a ride with a friend (in his brand new SUV with white interior…) to the hospital where the procedure was done, an hour ride. I had nightmares about not being totally cleaned out and having an accident in my friend’s vehicle, but managed to make it to my appointment without an accident. Whew! In ten years, I think I’ll rent a motel room in the town where I get the procedure the night before, take a taxi to the hospital and back, and return home when I can safely drive again.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. my father has to go every year… he said to drink this brew one day before is much more worse than the whole procedure… is there a trick how to get it down without puking? they also added peppermint this year to the run-drinks that makes them much more worse …. but he was a trooper and managed that challenge…

    Liked by 1 person

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