The dreaded talk | For animal lovers

Don't scold me, I'm adorable!

Don’t scold me, I’m adorable!

I was involved in my own stuff. Wasn’t paying attention. Always pay attention or you lose ground.

After a week of wallowing in self-indulgence it was time. Surgery always makes me lose weight. Unfortunately it doesn’t have that effect on those around me.

Grabbing a mildly chubby cat for the weekly weigh-in, I knew something was amiss. The ribs had moved further into the body. Initial weighing (that’s with me and her on the scale) showed nothing different.

That’s because I lost weight.

She didn’t. That’s an understatement. Miss Chubster gained a half pound!

Time for the talk.

Kate: Hazel, how did you gain a half pound?

Hazel: Miss Kate, I don’t think I did. I have been very constipated and I’m also retaining water. It’s been hard managing the cats without you this past week.

Kate: If you were so constipated, what were those big poop plops in the box?

Hazel: Maybe Jake?

Kate: Nope, diabetic poops are a different color.

Hazel: You know you look good in that shirt. That’s a great color for you.

Kate: You are trying to deflect. You have been stealing food again. Hoovering around behind my back.

Hazel: No! I wasn’t stealing food. I was cleaning up after everyone while you were incapacitated. It was just disgusting how the other cats leave food in their dishes! What about all those starving cats in…..wherever they are these days. Doesn’t that deserve a treat? *looks very hopeful*

Kate: *scowling* You do understand that this will mean cut backs. We can’t lose the ground we worked so hard to win. We’re waiting for that modeling contract any day now.

Hazel: I don’t know why you don’t like chubby cats. We are adorable. Just ask Morris.

And so it goes. We will work out of this minor setback. It taught me not to divert my attention for a minute. Hazel’s diet is almost a full-time job.

Managing the food for four cats can get….interesting. Two of the cats have their food on top of dressers and counters that Hazel can’t climb to reach but that doesn’t stop her from raiding what she can.

She can slink into the wallpaper undetected to move from one cat dish to another. Each one is in a different room. One minute she’s a grey tabby, the next she’s a field of dogwood blossoms. Very chubby dogwood blossoms.

If I was a cat, this is what I would look like. Source: Grumpy Cat

If I was a cat, this is what I would look like. Source: Grumpy Cat

37 thoughts on “The dreaded talk | For animal lovers

  1. Kate, I think these couch sessions with Hazel may have to be cut in half like her weight. But therapy is the only way. I suggest not pulling the drapes during those meetings, cats are known to be nocturnal. Therefore she may not be as focused as she should be during these sessions.

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  2. I don’t know how you manage feeding time for 4 different cats, Kate. I only have two and have to keep an eye on Reggie. She frequently tries to dip her paw into her brother’s (Jean Louis) food. So at their meal time, I am sitting there watching them.

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    • Yep, that’s pretty much what I do. I put the food for 2 cats up high so Hazel can’t jump there (because she’s too chubby) but I have to wait until Jake is done or she will finish it for him.

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  3. I’m obsessed with the diet of one dog, so I can really feel the energy that it takes to monitor four cats! I do feel for poor Hazel…I can put on pounds too easily myself! You sound like a good coach. I’ll listen to you, too 🙂

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  4. Oh, dear! A cat owner’s work is never done. Half a pound doesn’t sound like much. But in “cat pounds” I suppose it’s significant, especially for such a short time. Did you calculate the percentage weight gain?

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    • It’s 3%. She had been maintaining for a couple weeks at 15 lbs. I’d like to get her down to at least 14 lbs. It’s a struggle. Because of Jake (I can’t put his food up) I have to be vigilant and keep moving his food up and down as he decides he wants a bite.

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  5. I hope you’re well . . . .
    LOL re Hazel. Ah, feeding 4 cats is SO difficult. You know how I sympathize, really commiserate. You have to be on your toes all the time with these Hoover eaters (my Tiger and also my Mac). They are RELENTLESS.
    By the way, I have a question for you. I don’t notice that Mac’s poos are that different from the others (although his sugar is still enough under control without insulin at around 200). But last night at the shelter when I scooped the box of the diabetic (on insulin) cat, I found something like mud in his litter box. I actually wasn’t sure whether it was gel-like pee or runny gray poo. WHAT WAS IT?

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  6. My handler and I have recently had “the talk”., after my recent visit to the vet. I think my handler is projecting,l her own issues , but now both of us are in pretzel withdrawal . Next step in twelve step program for pets and their parents.

    Signed, “Had an intervention”
    Junior, ” big boned” Golden Retriever

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  7. Where were you when Beloved Oreo needed “the talk.” He might have listened better to you than to me. Trouble was I took it all personally…cringed when people called him “generously proportioned.” (The average Shih Tzu weighs the same as a medium cat i.e. 10-15 lbs. Oreo weighed 29 lbs.!) Some people crassly called him “the fat one” of the three. Grrr.

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    • She is an emotional eater. She gained a full pound when Morgan came on board. Now she is trying to maintain that excessive weight. The odd thing is that she gets along with all the cats the best. I don’t think she was too worried about me except for that big smelly thumb that might come and attack her.

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  8. I remember how difficult it was to care for 2 geriatric cats, so I can only imagine what you’re going through with 4 [need I even say uncooperative] cats. My sympathies. I hope that your employment contract includes a great bonus + vacation package.

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