This was NOT my school uniform.
I am working on my first on-site consulting project in a while. Getting dressed for work was almost like the first day of school. Remember how exciting it was to wear something new on the first day of school—even if it was just a brand new uniform? I remember new penny loafers with a new shiny penny in them. I always wanted the cordovan color because it sounded so elegant. Within a month it would be hard to tell what color they were!
I am super casual at home. That doesn’t mean I lounge around in pajamas, I wasn’t allowed to do that as a child and that training persists. It means that I can usually be found in jeans and a wonderfully warm, beautiful plaid LL Bean flannel/fleece shirt. I considered wearing that for about five seconds and decided that it wouldn’t be appropriate.
Don’t you hate when you are logical? I do. In any case, I had to peruse my closet for something better than jeans but I didn’t intend to go crazy. Something comfortable, warm and upscale (from jeans) would do.
That prompted a look around my closet. Cowabonga! It’s been a year and a half since I really focused on business clothes, styles have changed. Some of my sweaters are too short. Did I really wear a sweater that barely hit my hips? What was I thinking? Perhaps the closet elf shortened it when I wasn’t looking.
Here is the elf that resides in my closet!
There is a closet elf in my closet. He shrinks clothes, shortens them and makes clothes look old and dowdy. Sometimes he puts stains on clothing that I am sure weren’t there! He does nasty things with jeans. Sometimes he makes them bag at the waist. Other times they are hard to zip. Their length has a short life too before my ankle bones are sticking out. Gross!
He scuffs my shoes, pokes holes in my socks and misplaces my jewelry. I am sure he ate my new earrings. He puts cat hair on my black clothes just for kicks. He may have peed in a pair of shoes but it may have been Jake my cat. No one is talking. Forensics are not yet in.
Considering the damage, I think he’s a male elf – probably a transvestite who wears my clothes at night with a purple boa at wild parties and bars. A female elf would leave traces of chocolate lying around. Believe me he doesn’t. I have checked everywhere. I have only found wine stains on my clothes. I am sure they are wine because I licked them to be sure. I will do almost anything to investigate crime scenes. (Note to friends: I did not lick the urine stain for verification. I knew what it was.)
I was able to come up with a suitable outfit. I wore corduroy pants with a nice long sweater that I forgot I had. Now I have to figure out what to wear next week. Perhaps a shopping trip is in order.
Photo credits: School uniforms (really?) by ibuzone2012 and elf by typicture.blogspot. Both courtesy of Flickr
Views and Mews by Coffee Kat 
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The closet elf can’t be all that bad if he forces you to have to go shopping.
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Shopping???? Call me!!!!
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I think it’s great that you have a consulting job. I think the elves have been at my house, too. My clothes fit in November. And now they don’t! Elves, I tell you!
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Love this post because I have the same elf in my closet! Grrrrrr. 🙂
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Closet elf! That explains it….RC should be watching for that..that lazy snoozing cat on my clean sweatshirt. It is amazing to look at the office clothes after not seeing them for a bit.
Shopping trip sounds in order!
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No one but no one dares to open my closet door.
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Wise woman!
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Darn those closet elves! Whatever happened to the good little elves that MEND shoes and clothes?
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I don’t know. I never had that kind. I only get the naughty ones who wear my clothes.
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Closet Elves are related to Underwear Gnomes. Both are friends with Dust Bunnies.
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Dust bunnies! They live under my bed!
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Our resident gremlin was always known as Not-me.. I used to viisualise him as a mischievous smiling Burmese teenager. Not-me ate bits of meat off the hambone in the larder, cracked plates, and lost keys. I couldn’t blame him for those marks on clothes worn last year, missing buttons or moth holes though….
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Maybe the closet elf is a secret agent for the Mall.
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That would explain a lot.
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Why does my closet devil (wickeder than an elf) replace all the clothes I love with clothes I hate?
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I can’t answer that. My elf doesn’t do that but he does change some of the colors. I often find colors that I know I wouldn’t buy!
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I don’t have an elf, but Mr. Nobody lives here. He’s the mischief maker that does seemingly logical things but with a wire unwound somewhere. Nobody confesses to the nasty mistake, so we always know Mr. Nobody was at it again.
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When I was a child, we had an attic that I thought was spooky. Whenever something happened, it was always the man in the attic that did it. I think he stayed with me and became an elf in my closet!
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A shopping trip … what fun! A trick my mother taught me based on an Irish superstition: go out a different door than you came in. That’s supposed to trip up those tiny, mischievous elves.
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There is only one door to my closet unless you count the attic door. Hmmm…I have to think about this one.
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Shopping? What time do we leave…..?
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You are so easy! Good thing you don’t live close by.
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Right you are!!…on all accounts….
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I too believe that there are closet elves, mine likes to hide my favorite shirts. In my job our clothes are provided, so I don’t have to worry about what to wear everyday…it is when I go out that I worry. Glad you were able to find something to wear.
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