I am working on my first on-site consulting project in a while. Getting dressed for work was almost like the first day of school. Remember how exciting it was to wear something new on the first day of school—even if it was just a brand new uniform? I remember new penny loafers with a new shiny penny in them. I always wanted the cordovan color because it sounded so elegant. Within a month it would be hard to tell what color they were!
I am super casual at home. That doesn’t mean I lounge around in pajamas, I wasn’t allowed to do that as a child and that training persists. It means that I can usually be found in jeans and a wonderfully warm, beautiful plaid LL Bean flannel/fleece shirt. I considered wearing that for about five seconds and decided that it wouldn’t be appropriate.
Don’t you hate when you are logical? I do. In any case, I had to peruse my closet for something better than jeans but I didn’t intend to go crazy. Something comfortable, warm and upscale (from jeans) would do.
That prompted a look around my closet. Cowabonga! It’s been a year and a half since I really focused on business clothes, styles have changed. Some of my sweaters are too short. Did I really wear a sweater that barely hit my hips? What was I thinking? Perhaps the closet elf shortened it when I wasn’t looking.
There is a closet elf in my closet. He shrinks clothes, shortens them and makes clothes look old and dowdy. Sometimes he puts stains on clothing that I am sure weren’t there! He does nasty things with jeans. Sometimes he makes them bag at the waist. Other times they are hard to zip. Their length has a short life too before my ankle bones are sticking out. Gross!
He scuffs my shoes, pokes holes in my socks and misplaces my jewelry. I am sure he ate my new earrings. He puts cat hair on my black clothes just for kicks. He may have peed in a pair of shoes but it may have been Jake my cat. No one is talking. Forensics are not yet in.
Considering the damage, I think he’s a male elf – probably a transvestite who wears my clothes at night with a purple boa at wild parties and bars. A female elf would leave traces of chocolate lying around. Believe me he doesn’t. I have checked everywhere. I have only found wine stains on my clothes. I am sure they are wine because I licked them to be sure. I will do almost anything to investigate crime scenes. (Note to friends: I did not lick the urine stain for verification. I knew what it was.)
I was able to come up with a suitable outfit. I wore corduroy pants with a nice long sweater that I forgot I had. Now I have to figure out what to wear next week. Perhaps a shopping trip is in order.
Photo credits: School uniforms (really?) by ibuzone2012 and elf by typicture.blogspot. Both courtesy of Flickr