Throwback Tuesday: Soft Losses

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This one is from 2018 but it still applies. I’ve had a few soft losses in the past year (including two mahjong players). I remember all the people in this post. I wonder how my friend from work is doing. Maybe I’ll do my obit search to make sure she’s alive.

Someone from my new gym moved away. We were only gym acquaintances, nothing more. Yet I felt a sense of loss as I went to the gym and he wasn’t there. In a place where most folks don’t acknowledge you, he was the one who knew everyone’s name. The bright spot.

The sadness is short-lived. It’s not like losing a close friend but it made me reflect on other soft losses. It’s different from a hard or tragic loss – death, divorce, illness – all of the biggies.

The first time I recognized this kind of loss was when I started working. It took me a few years to really click with someone and we became friends. The kind of friends that do things outside of work. It lasted six months and then she moved to the city. It was like breaking up with a new boyfriend although I was happy for her. It was her dream but I felt left behind. We continued to be friends for a few years. I visit her but she rarely came this way. The city was too exciting to leave. When the kids came, it became complicated. I haven’t seen her in 30 years.

It’s not just people. I used to live a block off of a woman’s college campus. Unlike other campuses, this was a civilized one. No wild parties or annoying events but there was excitement and people around. Every year after graduation, when everything was quiet, there was a sadness about it. I called it my “empty nest” syndrome. It was quiet until the end of August, when bikers and joggers from the college started roaming the neighborhood again.

Turnover at my local coffee shop is a double-edged sword. That job is a stepping stone. It’s just “until my classes start.” Or “until I find a permanent job.” I still miss them when they go. And there is the agony of retraining. A selfish soft loss.

Changing seasons give me a sense of loss especially when I leave one of my favorites behind. (Especially when my favorite was a huge disappointment this year. Yes, I’m talking to you Mother Nature!)

Finding out that someone you looked up to is capable of disappointment is another soft loss. This happens with professionals. You realize that doctors and dentists don’t have all the answers. Sometimes the answer changes. There are technicians who didn’t take the extra time required causing a series of mishaps. All disappointments.

It’s a matter of maturing. One day you are young and idealistic. You think people are perfect and nothing will change. Then you realize that they aren’t any more perfect than you are.

There are new people to meet but the rose-colored glasses have been left somewhere along the way. Perhaps that’s for the best.

There is something to be said for low expectations.

21 thoughts on “Throwback Tuesday: Soft Losses”

  1. Soft losses are a bit like December 26. The letdown after all the holiday hype has some short term let down. Even after seven decades of celebrating, there always seems to be a let down on the 26th. Maybe it is partially due to overly high expectations for the holiday season. Sigh. Need to contemplate that a bit.

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  3. Years ago, I met some really great people, people I spent a lot of time with, whether it was in college or in the workplace, but, because it was before social media and cellphones, we just lost touch. Social media, more than cellphones I guess, but calling people on the phone was not the same as seeing them on an everyday basis. I connected with some high school friends when I joined Facebook in 2009, but it was a little too late to be honest. You can only reminisce about our past experiences from 40 or 50 years ago so much. You find out then that you have so little in common now. My closest friends in high school, especially the last year, spent so much time together – we graduated high school, went our separate ways. Christmas that year we got together – it was so-so, then we had a five-year reunion and the evening fell flat and we never kept in touch after that. The one friend of our group of six that I was the closest to moved to Oklahoma, then Texas, then passed away from ovarian cancer in 2007.

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    • I had a similar experience. Two of my high school friends and I got together maybe 15 or 20 years later and we had nothing in common. After updating on what we were all doing, it was all crickets. Nothing to say. We never did that again. One passed not too long after that.

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  6. Often I think it is the soft losses that sneak up on me and bring me down. They gang up and just eat away at my joy. I do a better job now of moving on but some of them are so close to the surface. And I agree about what you say about low expectations. I am amazed at how affected I am by the seasons. I lost fall and winter when we moved to Florida and they are my favorite seasons. I love to be at home with a fire and a book or visit the streets of blogland. I can still smell the fresh brisk air of winter in Missouri. Good throwback today, Kate!

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  8. Oh my gosh…..this resonates SOOOOOOO deeply with me. Are you sure we aren’t twins? HAHA Seriously though moving on has always been hard for me. Part of that was basic insecurity and part of it was being in a military family and moving every two years – just about when you’ve got a few good friends……I just became “all about me” and I realized as I aged that wasn’t what I really WANTED to be. But life is truly a teacher. We learn about REAL friends and we lose them for a variety of reasons but it’s not our fault – everything changes – everything. Maybe that’s a good thing – it certainly MAKES you broaden your horizons!!

    Hugs, Pam

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