Beware of what you ask for

Courtesy of cbnbaggage

Courtesy of cbnbaggage

The beloved husband is perfect — at least mostly perfect.

He has one very, very slight flaw.

He snores.

It’s the kind of snore you see in the cartoons where the roof goes up and down.

He is medically fine – no apnea or other conditions that would fix it. In fact his doctor just shrugged it off after checking him out. (Perhaps the doctor should sleep with him.)

If I am lucky enough to fall asleep first (and I usually do), I am fine. If I wake up in the middle of the night, the racket stops me from returning to my lascivious dreams. (I wish!)

However…

The other evening, he said he was going to bed early as he didn’t feel quite right. He’s never done that. (Red flag!)

Normally he sleeps in front of the TV like most other husbands. (Yes, he occasionally snores there too!)

The household quickly rearranged itself. DVR programs like Grey’s Anatomy (which he hates) popped up on the screen and three cats vied for his coveted spot on the sofa.

All was good.

I went up to bed and something was wrong. Couldn’t exactly put my finger on it.

Wait, it was quiet! There was no 747 hovering in the bed waiting for takeoff.

It was disturbing. Perhaps he had a heart attack. Sometimes the symptoms are simple like a stomach ache. I tiptoed around the bed and listened. Couldn’t hear anything.

I got closer and bent down to listen. He was breathing.

Climbing into bed I thought this was great! Then I woke up every hour or so just to check to make sure he was breathing. Something had to be wrong. This was too weird.

Around 4 a.m. I heard the familiar sound. Chainsaw or airplane, take your pick. Maybe a jack hammer. All was well. The beloved husband was once again snoring.

Now I couldn’t get back to sleep.

36 thoughts on “Beware of what you ask for

  1. Hilarious! This is so true though. Bill doesn’t snore but he makes funny noises and mumbles. Sometimes though he is perfectly still and quiet. I begin to worry then and have been known to prod him to see if he’s still breathing. Otherwise I would get no sleep.

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  2. I love this post. It’s all what we’re used to, I guess. Does he sleep on his back? That causes some people to snore. He could try sleeping on his side.

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  3. This is so funny…had a vision of you and the cats fighting for the remote control.
    Love how the quiet worried you…you’re very controlled. I might have called 911 and said…my husband, he stopped snoring…SOMETHING IS WRONG.
    You handled yourself admirably.
    Very funny essay…made me laugh, no easy feat these days.

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  4. Oh I so love this post Kate as I am currently VERY able to relate 😀 The Mr. is suddenly snoring – he never used to. Maybe it’s because he has put on a few extra pounds? I told him to get a checkup 🙂

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  5. Back in the old days when I was married, he was quite the logger. I did the same thing; tried to get to sleep before him in order to get any sleep at all, and then would wake up and NOT hear him snoring, and worry if he was okay. Perhaps it just means that we pay too much attention? These days, the only one that snores is me, and the dogs don’t seem to mind, thank goodness – although they both prefer that ALL the lights are off if they are trying to sleep. The big dog will even put his paw over his eyes in protest. It’s actually kind of cute, although I’m sure he doesn’t share my opinion. 🙂

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    • I don’t know if snoring disturbs animals when they sleep. It hasn’t affected where anyone sleeps in this house. When my cats do not want to be disturbed at all, they sleep someplace where I can’t get them, like under the middle of the bed.

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  6. Haha! Sleepless if he does and sleepless if he doesn’t.

    I’m the same way if either Tigger or BFF are “too quiet” while sleeping . . . I have to tiptoe over and make sure they’re still breathing.

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  7. Same thing in my house. I have to be asleep before my hubby comes to bed. What’s worse is that both dogs snore too! Ear plugs are very good things.

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  8. I totally empathize, Kate. Oregano’s snoring wakes me up, but if I don’t hear him snoring, I get nervous and then I’m up worrying. I sleep with ear plugs and a white noise machine and that has helped immensely. Now that I’ve found a way to sleep peacefully through the snoring, he has decided to start kicking in his sleep. He flops around like a fish on a dock. I just wish there would be some rhythm to it so it would rock me to sleep.

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  9. I could have written this post, Kate! I too freak out when I don’t hear the familiar buzz saw going. One thing I’ve discovered is the more yard work he does during the day, the more quiet he is when he sleeps.

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    • Your husband needs to do MORE outdoor work. That doesn’t work as well for mine. His routine is to sleep from 8 to 10 (while propped in front of the TV) and then watch the 10 p.m. show. Go to bed and be wide awake for a while. Finally drop off (after I am asleep) then wake up around 2 or 3 to read for an hour. Most bizarre sleeping pattern I ever saw.

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