There was a medical kerfuffle here this past Saturday. Someone (not me) ended up in the hospital taken by ambulance. I had to use the people entrance. That’s where all the sick people are. It’s really a petri dish to incubate new viruses.
It brought back memories of last February when I spent considerable time there. I know where everything is and the best place to park. Not much has changed. A few minutes still means somewhere between two and five hours. Morning can mean anytime until 6 p.m. Many of the staff have a dark side to their humor but then again, so do I.
Hospitals are in a different dimension. Once you enter their wormhole, you will be transported to a place that is boring and stressful. Alarms are beeping and no one is paying attention. People look half dead and then there are the smells. Way worse than a litter box.
If you are lucky you will get out eventually unlike the poor soul who had to stay overnight. If you are lucky you will find your car in a sea of cars that look just like yours. If you are really lucky there is a Starbucks on the way home.
When I entered the people portal to the ER I stood in a queue behind a baby with confirmed chickenpox. I took a giant step back even though I had chickenpox in my youth. I am not tempting fate.
I came prepared with a Kindle and snacks. I’ve done this rodeo before. You must go as if it is Armageddon and you’ll never see food again. At least real food. (They frown on bringing in margaritas.)
The patient took a bad spill and had a small cut. The pavement below his head looked like a crime scene (a multiple homicide really). After totally freaking out I learned that head wounds bleed more profusely than other areas on the body. They didn’t teach me that in health class. They spent too much time on venereal disease films to thwart any thoughts of teenage sexual activity. (It was before videos.)
I also learned that the body heals itself. Doctors often don’t know what causes stuff and there are lots of expensive tests.
By the end of day Sunday, all was sort of normal here or as normal as it gets. As for me, I don’t need to see the hospital for a long time. Don’t ask me to visit you. I’ll send you a fruit basket! Or chocolates. I’ll wave to you from the highway.