Yesterday I had to get photos taken to renew an ID document. I put on the full makeup (war paint as my brother called it) in an effort to make the picture as attractive as possible while still looking like me. I am fair so I wash out. I took care to “color up.”
It was a disaster. My motor vehicle picture is better.
It was very disappointing. (I have no idea what I was expecting except it didn’t look like the face in my mirror.) The requirements were no smiling and full frontal (just the face folks). I looked like a survivor from a concentration camp or a cadaver. Take your pick.
The nice lady said to use a neutral face. What is that? No frown, no smiling. Maybe my bored look. Or exasperated. I would prefer my “OMG! These shoes are fabulous” look. Or that dreamy look right after the first sip of a mocha latte. Nada. Just plain.
I am slim. My face is thin and somehow in pictures, it looks longer than it is. Much longer. Enormously longer. Like clown shoes longer.
They use distortion lenses on those cameras. (It’s how they get people to work for low wages. Amusement is part of the work benefits. A good laugh is better than health care.) The person taking the picture flipped on the “Jay Leno chin” app.
It’s a subversive way to make us crazy (or sell face cream!).
The old photo (which is nine years old) doesn’t look so bad. I wonder if I reacted the same way when it was taken too. Probably.
It doesn’t matter. No one will see it but some obscure security person somewhere and it’s not nearly as bad as the one from my “friendly” warehouse store which I flash all the time. (To people who live locally!)
If you would have asked if I was a vain person, I would have said no. Now I wonder.
In ten years, I will think this picture is fabulous! Maybe.
PS: No! There is no way I am posting that ID photo! Don’t even ask.
PPS: The beloved husband has been instructed to use the above photo should he need one to post on milk cartons or the post office! As is local custom here, he will post my high school graduation picture in my obituary.