Long-time readers know I am a Starbucks fan. Maybe fanatic is a better word. All the Starbucks except one are closed for Christmas and yes, I found it. They are corporate stores. They ask for volunteers to staff a centrally located store. I was there by 8 a.m. There was a group of festive young men serving. I thanked them for working and they thanked me for coming….by my name. There must have been someone there from my store because I can’t possibly be that famous! It’s a place where everyone knows your name. (Mostly cause they write it on your drink!)
We went to a Christmas lunch hosted by old (think long-tenured) friends. They had some new people who I hadn’t met before. One woman was a real pistol so I sat next to her. (It’s what I do when you find someone who will amuse me.) As she told a story about staying in a really smelly hotel room I wanted everyone to get the feel of the hotel so I asked for a description. When she was at a loss for words (I was expecting smoky or boozy), I suggested perhaps stale genitals. The hostess’s 80-something mother who was sitting at the same table turned purple and split her gut laughing. Of course then there was the conversation on what fresh genitals smell like. The answer is they don’t.
Speaking of this hostess, she gave me a perfect gift. She handed it to me saying “it’s cheap and stupid.” (When was the last time you were given a gift with such a description? Never!) It’s a desk sign that says, “IF YOU WERE IN MY NOVEL YOU’D BE DEAD BY NOW.” I think it’s perfect. I am thinking of writing a novel about dead people. Hope it’s not too long. Perhaps an abridged version will be available. Stay tuned. You may be in it.
The beloved husband and I were successful in cutting back on gifts. We gave each other one. His gift was much needed slippers and mine was a Starbucks gift card (also much needed). The cats missed the wrapping paper.
There is always yin and yang. I must have been having too much yin. Right on schedule the day after Christmas, my foot had a spasm. It was quite painful and I had to keep it elevated. I needed staff to serve me and cook. It went away overnight. I have no idea what it was but I enjoyed reruns of the cooking shows without guilt. The cats took turns purring on me.
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Oh gracious. *snort* Remind me always to sit by YOU please, at parties!!
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I would seek you out! (We’d probably get thrown out of the party!)
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haha! The best parties are the ones that get you thrown out, aren’t they?? (A friend and I have been known to drive neighboring tables to ask to be reseated, which ain’t no slouch either…)
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You are my idol!
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We weren’t even being loud! Though there was a great deal of joyous sniggering going on. We were simply *ahem* swapping stories about what passed for “sex ed” in our childhood homes. 😛
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OMG! I’m right there with you although I can’t remember any at all. Then there were the nuns at school trying to teach it. Yikes! Aesop’s Fables is what it all was. Hilarious party topic!
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Come hang out at a party with me sometime, toots. I’ll tell you about my father’s instructive lesson on how “a glimpse of thigh” affects all men — AGAINST THEIR WILL, mind you! — and then you and I can bring the roof down, with our raucous peals of snort-laughter. 😀
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I want you to know I can’t get the words “stale genitals” out of my head since I read it here the other day – I think I’d split something too!
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Ah, mission accomplished! Word worms.
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“The cats took turns purring on me” – there is no cozier sentence than that right there!
Happy New Year !! MJ
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Happy New Year to you.
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Wow, a Starbucks open on Christmas? Never thought to look for that.
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I’m a fanatic! It’s almost a sport to me.
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I love the cheap, stupid gift. Isn’t it strange to have some kind of disabling physical problem come out of nowhere and then, almost as quickly, disappear? I guess it was a good excuse to enjoy a rest with the cats. My only-two-year-old car had a problem yesterday that seemed to have come out of nowhere. I took it to the dealer today. Well, guess what they found? A rat’s next. And the rat had gnawed through some wires.
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Sorry. Typo. I meant a rat’s nest.
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Nicki ~ that happened to several of our neighbors down here. Only it was squirrels building the nests and gnawing through the wires.
One car had $5000 worth of damage!
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Yikes!
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We don’t have issues with rats but field mice. They have chewed through our heat pump wires twice ($600 damage). They got into my husband’s a/c system ($$). At my last house it was squirrels that kept chewing my telephone wires. Those gnawing critters can do damage!
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You’ve now gone from a PG-rated blog to an R-rated one. I’m jealous! Glad you’re foot is better… – Marty
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I think I’m still PG. I have a long way to go for R. You just need a parent present to read my blog!
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I covet that desk sign. I’ve a friend who gets Andy the best engineering slogan shirts, (i.e., “With enough thrust, pigs fly just fine,” and “Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can shut it up”). But I don’t see enough snarky writer stuff like that.
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Those are so great! They have great ones for lawyers too. 🙂 Not so much for writers.
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Glad that while I’m here (at Starbucks) reading this right now, I don’t have any coffee in my mouth because I would’ve snorted it out or spat it at the monitor when I read this. Wow.
I understand cutting back on Christmas. I’ve got too much clutter in my house as it is and the only things I’d want for Christmas is gifts cards for Starbucks, art supply stores, or bookstores–and I even have to cut out the bookstore cards because I’ve got too many books on my shelf and not enough time to read them as it is! I’m usually at Starbucks on Christmas Day to give them some business, but the one open around here is packed halfway through the morning and i can’t get any work done. Stayed home and watched “Jaws” and “A Christmas Story” instead (hee hee).
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I love when my readers spit out their coffee. It’s a good sign.
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I now know how much you love your Starbucks! Not that I didn’t know before, but I REALLY know now! Glad your foot decided to behave. CH and I haven’t exchanged gifts for a few years because neither one of can wait if we need/want something… 😀
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That’s the problem. Even the slippers I have my husband came way before Christmas. His old ones were irritating his sore toe and there was no way he was going to wait until Christmas.
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Love the sign!
Glad your foot gave you a day off . . . without continuing to torment you.
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Yes, even I was surprised it resolved itself so fast considering I couldn’t walk on it the day before. Another mystery of life.
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This was a hoot! Glad your foot is better. I’m working my way thru PT due to a fall on Nov 30. Didn’t go to the doctor right away and pain escalated. Most pain is gone but I still have to do the damn exercises because I was born with a crooked spine and things are only getting worse as I age. Also had to invest in a pair of very expensive sneakers. Hope the darn things fit when they get here. I hate trying to buy shoes online, but as much as I hurt I wasn’t about to go traipsing around Omaha before Christmas looking for shoes that cost too much. Four grandchildren made Christmas a delight! Have a Merry New Year!
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My foot problem went away as mysteriously as it came. I suspect I irritated a nerve (you know how testy they can be). However, it settled right back down the next day instead of giving me a week of pampering. Hope the sneakers help. Nothing worse than buying special shoes and it doesn’t make a difference.
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I was surprised to see big banners on several Starbucks that are close to me that said “Open Christmas.” Although I’m sure that was good news for many, I couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for the employees. Funny sign… your friend knows you well. If I happen to appear in your novel, please make my demise as pain free as possible. Now I’m going to clean house… I want to make sure it doesn’t smell like stale genitals (thanks for giving me something else to worry about).
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Giving people things to worry about is my job! Our local SB asked for volunteers who were excited for the extra money. Most of the employees are college kids or just out of school while looking for the special job. I’ll keep your demise as painless as possible. How painful can it be if it’s fictional?
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Death by paper cut, perhaps?
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Good one! I’m putting that in my notes….
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All-in-all that sounds like a very enjoyable Christmas, Kate—minus the foot pain. That desk sign is priceless—as was the descriptive room smell. Ewww! 😀
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So you smelled it too!
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Oh my gosh that was funny! I really want that sign! A lady in my poker group gave me one that said ” If we were in China you would already be dead” It’s what our XBox poker avatar is always saying. Happy New Year!!
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I have a long list of countries that I would be dead in if I were born there.
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Thanks for the laugh! Stale genitals…will think of that for awhile.
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Perfect description for a sleazy hotel!
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Great post! My daughter works at Starbucks so I’m glad they were closed so that she could come home and be with us. My mom has the same feeling about going outside with your pj’s on and gave my older daughter a bad time about it once, but when she was here for Christmas she made a big deal about telling us she got the “dress” she was wearing in the sleepwear department at Target! She liked it because it was soft and had long sleeves. She wore it backward because she said she was “too old” to show too much cleavage. That’s my mom 🙂 Glad your foot is better.
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You’re mom is a gem! I can see my mom doing that too.
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Funny post Kate.
Stale genitals, must remember that for description of crappy hotel rooms.
Hope your foot is better. The TLC obviously helped!
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I use it to describe stinky stale bedroom smells. Makes people smile.
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We had a rather nasty niff on the air this morning when we went out to take Maggie for her first walk. It smelt like off cheese!
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Weird outdoor smells are always a mystery. I never know where them come from. Bad cheese? hmmmm…..
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You are a stitch, Kate! I laughed all th way through that post. You are a breath of fresh air! — I never get enough.
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Thanks! I love a fan!
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Our Starbucks was open Christmas Day. As we were going through the drive-through. we noticed a couple rocking warm, comfy pajamas. I don’t believe that they meant it to be a fashion statement — just a total surrendering to the day. Loved it — and may consider doing it myself one time.
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I love it too but my mother was so firm about wearing “night clothes” for sleeping only that I wouldn’t feel dressed. Even when we were sick we put on “real clothes” even if it was just a sweat suit. I once saw a whole family in pjs going into the mall to get their picture taken (probably for Christmas cards). It was wild.
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yes that is perfect!!! and I hope you really will write this novel :o) Glad your foot is better… not sure what cause all this pains, but I bet it is better because of the healing purrs… they have magic powers…
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Purrs are better than steroids. There are lots of folks that I can imagine dead. Should be a good novel!
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Glad your foot is better. Sounds like you had a good Christmas. I have been sick with a sore throat and a cold for a few days, so Christmas was a non-event this year. But it is a lovely time of year.
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Years ago when I worked in design, the holidays were brutal. Long hours leading up to it. I always was sick on Christmas. It wasn’t fun but I appreciated the chance to just sleep. Hope you recover soon.
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