Expiring body parts

Source: clipartengine

Source: clipartengine

No, I’m talking knee replacements here. I’m talking about how long a body part can stand doing its job before revolting.

Let’s take my butt. Last week I had dinner with two different groups of friends. When sitting at a restaurant, I have a 90 minute butt with an absolute max of 2 hours. That means I can sit in a chair for 90 minutes before I start ritual rutching.

You know what ritual rutching is. First it’s side to side. Then it’s sitting up and sliding down (a lot like you slide in a dentist’s office or a gynecologist who is coming towards you with a medieval tool of torture that goes into your hoohoo).

My butt has enough padding but something in there goes numb. Sometimes it gets prickly. At that point all I can think of is my numb or prickly butt and I am no longer my usual enchanting self.

My butt isn’t the only part with an expiration time on it. Unless talking about cats (which I can do endlessly), my mind has a short attention span. If you’re topic goes beyond 20 minutes (and I’m being kind here), I’m making tomorrow’s shopping list. Or composing my next blog post and it’s probably about you.

I have old feet. Someone stole my young ones and replaced them with lumpy feet that hurt. What’s too long for feet? It depends on whether I’m looking at shoes or cats (my feet are more patient) or doing laundry or grocery shopping (less patient).

If anyone sees a pair of young beautiful feet capable of wearing high heels, please let me know. They are mine!

My hands have always been wonderful. No arthritis with lumpy knuckles. Recently I notice that whoever took my feet also took my hands. I still don’t have lumpy knuckles but I don’t have the nice fat pads underneath that smooth out wrinkles. I also have more freckles. (Some people call them liver spots. I believe they are youthful freckles.)

Fortunately my hands work just fine. No sign of carpal tunnel. Just a stiff joint where I had thumb surgery last year.

My ears are good for six feet. After that you start to fade. If you are farther than ten feet I am reading your lips and making up words that you may or may not be saying. If I stop talking to you, consider that what I “heard” was rude (although it may not have been what you said). Communication is tricky, isn’t it?

Next time you are around me remember it’s 90 minutes for the butt, 20 minutes for my brain, 20 minutes for my feet, stand within six feet of me and for God’s sakes, don’t look at my hands.

I am not high maintenance. Really!



44 thoughts on “Expiring body parts

  1. Finally had time to read this today. I’ve awakened with a knuckle swollen and aching in the otherwise pretty decent right hand. Must be from wrestling with a garden tiller yesterday. You are spot on about all the body parts. Loved that you used the word “rutch” because I haven’t heard anyone use it since I moved from the east coast. My body parts rebelled against using the clumsy garden tiller and I realized after my stint yesterday I’d never need it again. Thanks to Facebook I sold that thing (dirt on its tines and all) within 45 minutes of finishing my job. Have a good week and enjoy your memories of cute shoes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My garden is the one thing that makes all my body parts revolt. I used to manually dig it in an hour or two. Now I do it over three days. I’m much slower, more careful and do it in shorter spurts. Every year I think about giving it up. Then I get those luscious tomatoes.


  2. Numb Butt Syndrome is no laughing matter . . . but you still made me laugh! I even get tired of sitting in the car (in super comfy seats) after an hour or so ~> “ARE WE THERE YET?”

    My attention span is good . . . if I’m interested in the topic being discussion. If not ~> “OH, LOOK! THAT CLOUD LOOKS LIKE AN ELEPHANT CROSSED WITH A KANGAROO.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for the morning laugh, Kate! It would have been helpful to have the expiration dates printed on the body parts so I could have gotten full use out of them before their usefulness started to fade. I have the same issue with my hearing not being so great at certain distances, and especially with certain types of voices. If someone’s voice is in a certain vocal range, I often have to guess at what they are saying to me… and I’m sure my guesses aren’t always correct.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have numb butt syndrome. When we gather at CH’s Mom’s place there is lots of sitting on metal outdoor chairs surrounding two metal tables. She has purchased thin little cushions that are stored by the back door. I grab two, three if possible and my butt is still numb and my butt bones hurt for the next couple of days. All I want to do is stretch out on her comfy loveseat! I don’t even recognize my hands… no arthritis but the wrinkles! My hearing is perfect… I would be better off if I didn’t hear quite so well. I hear ALL! So true about old age ain’t for sissies.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Not high maintenance at all my dear friend. I myself like to tell peeps that my hooves have 30 minutes max in creativity in writing my blogs. If it can’t come within 30 minutes, it’s not going to happen. I can only pound so long with these hooves – darn me for not having fingers! XOXO – Bacon

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