The depths of self-loathing

I have done it again. I have committed to do something and then at the first bump in the road, I’m off track.

You know what it feels like. We all do it at some point about something. You hate yourself afterward. Argh!

Because this is a humorous blog and I am incredibly shallow and consumed with nonsense, I will share my failure with you. No judging please!

About a month ago, I decided to grow my hair out. Not a lot, just a fuller collar-touching length.

Hair length is an extremely volatile subject in my house. My hair is never the right length. When it’s long, I want it shorter. When it’s shorter, I want it longer. The beloved husband knows not to comment on it at all.

I can never wear my hair real short. No Miley Cyrus here! I have a head full of the most bizarre cowlicks. They twirl every which way. Short hair means I have to wash and aggressively style with goo every morning.

I’m retired and I also retired from intense daily hair grooming. It looks presentable but I’m not as neurotic as I once was.

Two days ago, my hair had reached that point. You know that point — where you can’t stand it anymore. You hit the brick wall!

It was hitting the collar top and swerving outward in an unattractive fashion. I figured if I trimmed just the bottom layer, the top would fall over it with more weight and hang down instead of at a stupid 90 degree angle.

Yeah right.

We started with that but once that scissor was in my hand, all hell broke loose. My bangs were a tad long. As it turns out, you can’t cut just a tad. You look like the kid whose mother cut her bangs at the hair line. Remember that look?

Then with my bangs shorter, the sides were out of whack. There was no whacking them back in, I tried and tried. Each “tad” only made them shorter and more prone to sticking out over the tops of my ears. (What happened to my ears? When did they get so big! I had nice little ones once upon a time!)

At the end of this frenzy, I am back at square one with a slightly off-kilter haircut. I am due for a “real” haircut in a few weeks. My stylist will smile (she’s been to this rodeo before) and fix it. Then we will have a discussion on letting my hair grow….again.

I think I have identified the problem. This is how I see myself in my head.

blonde hairOr maybe this.

blonde hair 2This is how I look in the mirror!

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller

Perhaps I need a hair stylist who offers reality therapy.

The good news is that my hair grows fast especially in warm weather. Within a week or two this shearing will be forgotten.

24 thoughts on “The depths of self-loathing

  1. I think we should all have a little wig stashed away that helps us with our fantasies! And they can also come out when we get carried away with the shears. 🙂 I see myself very differently in my head, too. I try not to argue with those misrepresentations. They serve to get me out of the house every day. LOL!


    • I have thought about getting a wig but my memory of a wig I had in the 70s (which I only wore once) was that it was hot and tight. Of course, some hair extensions may work! How would those look on a youngish middle aged (no eye rolls please) woman?


  2. Stars pay hundreds to have their hair stick out every which way. Maybe you are destined to be famous!
    You are more brave than I. I will attack my bangs but am too afraid to venture any further.


  3. I’ve been whacking my own hair to bits for years now, and can totally sympathize with that moment when you are standing in front of the mirror, scissors in hand, envisioning one thing, only to finish the process and be rudely confronted by your reflection in the mirror, looking nothing at all like what you had in mind when you picked up the scissors. I’m lucky in that my hair is usually relatively flat on top, and doesn’t begin with all the kinks and curls until below the ears.

    Of course, that does nothing to explain why one side of my kinky curly hair always seems to be just a tad longer than the other side. It must be those darn scissors. Evil things. Scissors.


  4. Ha, ha! Kate, too funny and also too true! Once…ONLY ONCE…has anyone other than a professional cut my hair. My sister cut it once…we got tickled (bad move) and I was totally lopsided and wore it covered ’til it grew out! Yikes! My present haircut is four weeks old and it’s almost 2″ long now…my awesome stylist was worn out when she cut it and we laugh about it. Both of us have learned to be ‘serious’ when it’s shearing season! She’s the best I’ve ever had and we’re best of friends. Good thing I love short hair…the Halle Berry cut is my best look. Love it. And my friend keeps it ‘going’…not ‘growing’.


    • I wore my hair at least shoulder length for my entire life until my mid-50s. My hair became more fragile and when I took the cancer drugs to suppress estrogen, it got even more fragile. Even today and I’ve been off the drugs for 5 years, my hair is too fragile to grow that long. Of course, it may just be normal aging but I prefer to blame other things.


  5. In my wildest dreams I would never attempt to cut my own hair! Mine usually looks like Phyllis Diller after she stuck her finger in an electric socket. And I have the opposite problem from you; my hair has to either be very short or very long (below my shoulders). Anything in between is horizontal rather than vertical. Sigh.


    • Yes, I was going through some older pictures from when I was in my 30s and 40s and my hair was gorgeous (only I didn’t know it then). Not sure what happened! The other easy fix is to take off the glasses when I look in the mirror. I look downright lovely.


    • As often as I do this, I should understand the reality part so there is no worry that I will continue to ignore the Phyllis Diller part of the equation and focus on the younger types.


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