Cheekless in Pennsylvania

Disclaimer: This blog contains a photo that may be offensive to some. (No, don’t go scrolling down to see it first!) 

I didn’t think I would live to see it happen, but it did.  It happened last week.

I didn’t marry my beloved husband because he was a stylish dresser or a great dancer (only my niece Anita will do the electric slide with him and only after a couple drinks). I married him because he is a good person. He is honest and hard-working and fun. I figured that would be enough. Over the years, I have tried to buy him some trendy clothes but it’s not an easy task. I can’t buy him pants at all. He has “white man’s affliction.” That means he is tushless, flat-assed, devoid of cheeks, whatever you want to call it. He has nothing below his hips except his legs which are thin — not too thin, but thin.

These are the skinny jeans!

His pants all sag in the back. Personally, I believe that he buys them too big. He says not. Last week he said that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t look as good in jeans as I do. Holy Moses! After taking a bow for my wonderful jeans, I explained that he doesn’t buy them to fit right. I try on fifteen pair before I find that perfect fit. Once I have established that a brand and a size works and that means buying ONE pair and washing them, I’ll buy a bunch and wear them until the next style comes along.

This was the golden opportunity to accompany him on his jeans expedition. We stopped in a Gap store. I pulled ten or twelve pair of jeans – boot cut and regular in different sizes and styles. I wouldn’t let him walk near the relaxed fit.  I wasn’t happy. There was still a lot of bagging and sagging going on back there. Perhaps a surgical implant would work or maybe padded underwear. Can you even get them for men? Maybe Ralph Lauren would have a suggestion. 

Then I found the men’s “skinny” cut jeans. The beloved husband would never try on a pair of skinny jeans because it sounds tight and uncomfortable. They weren’t. They fit just fine.  In fact they still are looser than my jeans. They need to put a touch of lycra in men’s jeans. Just enough stretch to make them….hmmm…..interesting.

He bought a pair and he looks fabulous. On a tip from the salesperson, I visited the Gap website and found that you can buy jeans on-line in a 35 waist (one size down from his normal “too big” 36). I may just buy the smaller size for around the house. It may perk up the neighborhood!

12 thoughts on “Cheekless in Pennsylvania

  1. The same style and brand of jeans for years – years – years. Won’t even consider trying another brand or style. And complains they just make them right now. But found some nice cords that work for winter… there’s just that awkward period when too hot for cords and too cold for shorts. enjoyed the post!


  2. OMGoodness! I thought it was just my husband with a fit problem and I was the only wife that thought I could improve on it. I convinced my hubby to buy a shorter inseam and smaller waist size that fit his hips not belly but he never wore them. They weren’t comfortable because he kept trying to pull them up over his belly button. I tried to convince him that his other pants may fit over his belly button but only when he pulls them up because the rest of the time they slide to his hips with the belt cinching the waistband into puckers to keep them from falling off. I would have thought he would be thrilled to fit into a smaller waist size, you know, like me. Oh well, I wish they made pants funnel shape for those whose bellies are bigger than their booty.
    Wishing you the very best this holiday season and counting your blog as a blessing this Thanksgiving!


  3. This is a hoot! The visual is priceless – I do enjoy seeing a man with a nice rounded derriere, however my hubby is cheekless also.


  4. I laughed out loud at your description of your beloved husband. It must be rather sad that he has “nothing” below the waist but hey, I’m sure he is a good companion to you. Sorry, I had to jump on that one. Tsk tsk.
    Well my hubbie does have a nice ‘meaty and juicy’ derreire. (that’s Canadian for butt)
    I married him because when I first met him, he was wearing the sexiest, tight, yummy cords. Woowee. I am breathless with the memory. It’s the Portuguese in him that makes him fill out his trousers so nicely.
    Oh dear, I must go now and get myself some ice water.
    Terrific post!


  5. I thought I could re-dress him after we were married. But no matter what I buy him, within two weeks it looks like everything else in his closet. It’s uncanny. I tell myself he “transcends” style.


    • This was a first. He is not a shopper. He is a lot more like your husband. Actually, I was surprised he was willing to model. I am beginning to think the aliens took my real husband and left this nice guy in his place!


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