Throw Back Tuesday — Is knowing better or worse revisited

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This post is from 2017. Since then our friends sold their vacation cabin and he passed away leaving us with some really great memories. On our last visit I knew it was likely our last trip there. That made it both special and sad.

Sometimes you know when you are experiencing something for the last time. When you move out of a house, you know you won’t be coming back. When you graduate you know that phase of life is done.

Sometimes you don’t — when someone dies unexpectedly or you’re fired from your job.

Knowing or not knowing — I don’t know which is better. Sometimes you wish you would have known so you could say things you didn’t get a chance to. Then again, knowing can give you sadness.

A few weeks ago we visited a friend at their vacation home in the mountains. We have been there before. Sometimes we miss a few years between visits. Nothing much changes there, not even the weather which is always cold! (I am personally convinced that one of the bridges we cross takes us to the edge of the North Pole.)

The routine doesn’t change. The early risers are up drinking coffee on the porch. If it’s not warm enough, we are around the fireplace. Both places are magical with extra credit for the porch. We get visiting chipmunks there who are not afraid to run over you to get peanuts.

We talk stuff. All kinds of stuff. Life. Love. Health. Death and even (gasp) politics! Sort of. We are all different but underneath there is a stable set of values that we appreciate in each other.

We all harbor (ok, maybe just me) the belief that someone is wrong occasionally but the common ground is greater and overcomes it.

I’m neurotic about animals. My friend is a hunter but doesn’t kill anything when I am there. It’s a sign of kindness and respect.

We are all getting older (mostly them, certainly not me). Our friends are planning ahead and this may have been our last visit. They are selling the cabin. It changed some things.

It’s like that last day of vacation when you are so intense about taking everything in. You want to live deeply in the moment so your memory stays fresh. You don’t want to miss anything. Was that a blue bedspread or a white one? The quiet of the early morning on the magical porch before everyone is up. The dinners that are always late because…it doesn’t matter. Always way too much food.

This isn’t an end to a friendship.  It not’s about us. We will continue see them. We will continue to be friends. It’s about keeping a memory fresh.

I can still remember in detail the beach house we rented with our siblings for those wonderful end of summer get togethers a few years back. They can’t happen again but I have my memories. I knew the last year we did that too. I felt like a photo-journalist chronicling the details.

This decision is logical and perhaps long overdue. Second homes are expensive and work, especially large ones. “The only thing that works in an older home is the owner.” That’s a quote from a friend who understood.

It’s another change in the stages of life. For us, it’s miniscule. For our friends, it’s a major life change but it will open the door to other opportunities. Lifting a burden allows new adventures and maybe a nice “little” beach house. I have my beach bag packed just in case there is a B&B next door.

For our friends Fred and Louise

So,  would you rather know when you are experiencing something for the last time?

36 thoughts on “Throw Back Tuesday — Is knowing better or worse revisited”

  1. Your description of the porch coffee ritual and the cold mountain air really paints a vivid picture of that timeless place. I was struck by the line about the bridge that might take you to the edge of the North Pole; it feels like a gentle reminder that some journeys are more about feeling than distance. When a place holds so many memories, even a simple stretch of the shoulders while holding a warm mug can ease the tightness that grief sometimes brings, letting the breath flow a little freer. Thank you for sharing this bittersweet snapshot.

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  6. I think I’d prefer to greet whatever at the time it happens, not in advance. I’m becoming better about saying things to people so they know how I feel so I don’t end up regretting that I didn’t tell so-and-so how much I appreciated them at the time. But I do understand it xan be a double edged sword.

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  7. Most times, I would rather not know. Knowing would cause all the vacation memories to be bittersweet, seen through a veil of sadness.

    But . . . when I saw my sister for the last time on 7/15, I had no idea that she would pass away on 7/30. It was a super short visit and I would have liked to know that it was the last time I would see her.

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  8. I think I would like to know that information, if it is possible. There is loss in many ways … people, places and things. am sentimental in that I can look at photos and immediately be taken back to that time or place or if someone I know jogs my memory mentioning a long-ago event, I am transported back. I had an interesting comment by one of my followers on my last post – it is Dawn, not a mutual follower of ours. She is around my age and said “Wow. Did you take notes all those years ago or do you just have a phenomenal memory? I kind of remember 76, but I don’t have photos like this from then….I don’t think!”

    So, I told Dawn that having a small family, growing up just the three of us and only having three other relatives, now every one of them is gone but me, makes it easy to remember long ago events, conversations, etc. and yes, the pictures help to keep those memories alive. The best thing I did was digitize these photos in 2017, not only for my blog, but now I look on the flash drive and photos and memories are there. It was a real pain moving lots of stuff to look at photo albums, so I rarely did.

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    • I should digitalize our old family photos. I don’t have as many as you do but I could give other relatives access. I had a huge family and I remember a lot of the good times when we all got together. I think it’s the routine day to day stuff that we forget.

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      • I spent Thanksgiving weekend of 2017 scanning in all the albums and some scrapbook items. Blogging up until then, (four years), was just two friends. I intended to take each picture and format it … some of the images aren’t good because I couldn’t remove the photo pages. But I’ve been doing a lot of pics for my blogs, so for now, many of them are in good shape. I put all those scanned images onto Shutterfly, plus have a flash drive in the safety deposit box, plus a flash drive at the house. The albums started to fall apart – it was horrible. The plastic overlays didn’t adhere any more, the side bindings came apart, so I knew I had to do something. I saw that in 2017 and it was bad and last Labor Day 2025, I wanted some other photos and scrapbook items I didn’t scan in at the time, so I went into closet and the albums were in even worse shape.

        If you scan the pictures in, you can create a “share site” on Shutterfly – it’s free to do that. I don’t know how it works as I don’t have anyone to share pics with, but everyone probably has a code. I know Amazon Prime members have free storage for photos, but since they are now getting persnickety about “sharing” these days, I don’t know if they have share sites. I was always jealous of people with large families, especially at the holidays. My boss that just passed away – their kids are all grown, with kids of their own and scattered all over but always came home on holidays and stayed at their house. Last year they celebrated their 50th anniversary and they all went to Cancun to celebrate. There’s a lot to be said for having large families … many people complain about it and “obligations” etc. I don’t get that at all.

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        • Did you scan with a separate scanning machine or through your printer. Our printer takes eons to scan anything. The job would be onerous. You can get lost in a large family and they often fall apart once the elders die. Haven’t seen my cousins in decades. Out of 50 there are a handful left. Your family was very small. Something in the middle may be just right.

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          • I bought an Epson flatbed scanner and it still worked last year when I scanned the scrapbook photos for some blog posts I knew I would be doing. But I couldn’t find drivers to update it to a newer computer. I was still using my old Windows 7 laptop with it. So, I had to give it up as I worried about virus protection on the Windows 7. It did take a while to scan each picture. I know I worked day and night on getting them scanned in between painting part of the laundry room in the basement where I had some work done. After that big project, I saw a hand-held scanner on a website, maybe Sharper Image? I never found it again, but that would have been much easier to take scans when the pages could not be removed from the scrapbook.

            Yes, I guess the middle would be more manageable.

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  11. Porches are magic💫 We have always had a porch and/or four seasons room. Fred and Louise look like great friends with a great sense of funny. This is not my first time seeing this photo and they warm my heart. I would like to have a choice of knowing or not knowing… But if a choice isn’t possible and mostly it is not, I would not like to know. I think I said that back in 2017. This is such a lovely post, Kate♥

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  14. Great post. I enjoyed reading many of the 2017 comments too, from when you originally posted. Of course that was pre-pandemic. Our world has changed a lot since then.

    I mostly prefer to know when it’s the last time because I value meaning over happiness. So if something feels bittersweet that’s okay. I will remember it far better than it was just another normal event. Of course the beauty of unknown last times is in retrospect they seem pure, not tinged with sadness; ignorance is truly bliss. But if given the choice, I’d rather say my goodbyes on my terms if possible.

    Sadly, tragedy doesn’t usually give us a choice. So we need to be mindful and tell our loved ones how much we care on a regular basis. Then, maybe we’ll have fewer regrets later, when the “last time” arrives unbidden.

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    • So true. I think I would prefer to know too. About 2 years ago I played mahjong with a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer. She played through the early stages of treatment. She even hosted us once. After that she was too tired to play and she was gone within 6 weeks. I wish I had known the last time I was in her house. I would have tried to take it all in for my memories. We didn’t expect to lose her so it was really sad.

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