Worth remembering and worth understanding the differences among us

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I posted this in 2019 after my brother and sister-in-law were in a bad auto accident. They were 89 at the time. My brother fared well but my SIL was touch and go for a while. It brought out a side of me I didn’t remember or maybe never fully understood. I’ve had some recent reminders. Nothing has changed. This is still who I am. 

February 28, 2019 — Every experience brings lessons. Sometimes it’s reinforcement rather than new information. Sometimes I’m astounded at what I’ve learned and sometimes I go “holy moly is that really me?”

We had a bad auto crash in the family with severe injuries. Click here if you want to read about it. I had to step up and I did. (That is not a surprise. We do what needs to be done. Always.)

I am not a natural caretaker. I would describe me as a Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) type of caretaker. I pat you on the shoulder and say “there, there” and give you a hot beverage. That’s my preferred modus operandi. I don’t kiss boo-boos. Not even on a cat.

Recently I described myself as an “I’ll make soup but don’t make me do anything that involves body fluids” person. I don’t have a problem cleaning the cat litter box but when it comes to people, yikes! Yet we do what needs to be done.

I have a lot of respect for those folks who are the first in the hospital when it isn’t their firstborn and follow up with all sorts of appropriate things. I’m in the group that is flailing around wondering what I should do. Do they want company? Are they too ill? Gifts? Always hesitating just a bit in hopes that a miracle will happen and they will be their normal healthy self the next day. That doesn’t happen.

Another friend recently talked about “relational” people versus “transactional” people. I am definitely the latter. When I go in to the hospital, business first. I throw away the trash on the tray and organize mail from small to large envelopes. Magazines too. Then I put away the clean clothes I brought and take out the dirty. If I remember I’ll ask the person how they are doing (and ask if they need a hot beverage). Always the business first. I have a mission to accomplish and that fuels me.

Friends are updated on what they need to know. I’ll issue edicts if necessary. It’s the Mother Superior training I got in Catholic school.

Relational people are those caring people who fuss with the person and make them feel better emotionally. They also forget to take the dirty clothes so the transactional people have to clean up. (That’s my version anyway.)

Truth is you need both kinds.

My recent take-away is that I’m not going to change. I will continue to be the bossy Mother Superior that likes things taken care of so those with people skills can focus on their tasks. It takes a village for sure and that village better have all kinds of people.

NOTE: For those following my saga, my sister-in-law is in a rehabilitation facility relearning skills. She’s coming along, just slowly.

This is an 89-year-old woman who broke most of the bones in her torso 2 weeks ago. Doesn’t she look great?

Note: She recovered with very slight speech and mobility deficits. She’s a trooper.

57 thoughts on “Worth remembering and worth understanding the differences among us”

  1. It’s true – some people are good at the emotional side and some are better at the practical side. I’m a practical side person as well. But we are needed too!
    Glad your SIL is doing well since the accident 🙂

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  2. Like you said, it takes both kinds of people. Your SIL is lucky to have you in her court. She is truly something special to have managed to go through all she has medically. Sending positive thoughts for a full recovery.

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  5. My mother had several surgeries over the years, so I became a caregiver while she recuperated. She was a good patient and did not complain about my caregiving, BUT she did complain about my cooking. She had always done the cooking/baking and I had done none of it, just helping with dishes or cleanup, etc. She was very critical of what she called my being “slow at doing everything” … as an example, she would watch me making salad, taking forever to “skin” cucumbers ’til there was really nothing left of them to use, or slicing tomatoes. So, she got irritated with me and would say “bring it over to the table and I’ll just do it!” But, if you’ve never had to cook or bake, there is a learning curve. Let’s just say I was glad when she was on her feet and making meals again. 🙂

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      • Did your mom say you chopped too slow too? I know I was clumsy in the kitchen. Mom always baked while I was at school, then work and dinner was made when I came home. On weekends we went out or had pizza for a treat. So, when she had her hip revision in 1990, our next door neighbor had pancreatic cancer and his son, Nickie, a law student in Ohio came to take care of him. Nickie spent every Summer through college working as a sous chef at a resort in Traverse City and he knew how to cook. He would make homemade soup to encourage his dad to eat and also made delicious lasagna once a week and he’d call mid-afternoon and tell me not to make dinner as he would bring something over, which he did. I took a three-week leave of absence, so it was stressful for both of us and not cooking dinner and being told to grab my oven mitts and meet him at the side door was welcome.

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        • She taught me a lot about cooking but didn’t like the way I chopped onions. It wasn’t the speed, but I don’t remember what it was. I didn’t have a wonderful neighbor like you did!

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          • When I worked at the diner, the clean-up kid had to sit in the back kitchen and chop onions for hours every few days … we used fresh, minced onions on the burgers. I remember telling my mom that the kid would sit back there crying his eyes out, but chopped up a huge netted bag from the produce market in no time flat. She told me to tell the boy to put a matchstick in his mouth, sulfur side in his mouth and he wouldn’t cry. Her father used to chop the onions for when he and her mother made red tomato chili relish back in the day. I think I made some meal with an onion and my mom said “just bring the board to the table and I’ll do it or we’ll never have dinner.” Good thing I had a thick skin.

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  7. I’m so glad your SIL is doing so well! What an ordeal to come through!
    I am the empath, the caregiver. That was my job for many years until I stopped working when I had my health issues.
    Like you said, both types are needed and important! If we were all the same, there would be things that never would get done.

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  8. Years ago, I talked to a therapist about my mother-in-law who had no empathy for what my husband and I were going through at the time. The therapist gave me an analogy. She said that at a reception after a funeral, my MIL would be the one who was serving people food. Cleaning up tables. Washing dishes, etc. I’d be the one sitting next to the grieving, crying person with my arm around them as they cried. The therapist said, “both are needed.” That helped me understand my MIL better and the roles we both played in life.

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  12. Here’s Scrooge (definitely transactional, not relational) talking to Marley who is at death’s door:

    “So, Jacob. Are you awake? Can you hear me? {pause}. So, there’s nothing I can do for you? {pause} Absolutely nothing? {pause} You’ve got all that you need for now? {pause}

    “OK, then, get some sleep and I’ll see you on the morrow . . . assuming you make it through the night.” 😀

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  16. Like Autumn I’ve come to realize I can be who you need me to be. I’m versatile I guess— or maybe empathetic. I remember when this accident happened and how it made me think of the saying “life turns on a dime.” Still true today.

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    • It certainly does. You are lucky to be “ambidextrous.” I hate being in hospitals, either as a patient or visitor. During this time I was there so often I new where the best parking spots were! 🙂

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  17. A wonderful reminder to us all that “things happen” and we will have to handle them (unless there are other helper types in the family). I’m not the best caretaker in the world – I do the necessary things but I’m not particularly “touchie/feelie” and sometimes that’s IMPORTANT to the one being cared for. The important thing is we do the best we can at whatever we do.

    Hugs, Pam

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  18. I am all the things–whatever vacuum needs to be filled, I am on it. Need emotional support? I am there with tissues and hugs or black humor, whatever floats your boat. Need your kids collected from school and dinner? I am the chauffeur with pot roast. Quartermaster with a degree in therapy, that’s me.

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  20. I’m definitely transactional but have had to adapt as a caregiver. Those Catholic schools definitely had an impact on us. Navy blue jumper, white blouse, red clip on tie, and red beanie on my head for mass. We put on our uniform and went about business. Hard to get away from that. I saw on the news this morning our traffic accidents are up 49%. Speed. Maximum speed limit is a joke up here. It might as well say go as fast as you want. I hope your family is doing as well as they can considering the seriousness of the accident.

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