Yes, you read that right. Yes, it is true. I can’t make this stuff up.
Locally we had a serial sperm squirter on the loose. Don’t worry, they caught him. You are safe.
It was in the newspaper. The article was short which lead to a long list of questions.
First the facts – A man was apprehended for squirting sperm on a woman. She complained. More woman came forward to say the same thing had happened to them. That means he is a serial sperm squirter. So far they have identified three incidents – two in or near bus terminals and one in a grocery store (I wonder what aisle it was? Canned goods? Hygiene products? Fruit loops?).
He would squirt them on the “buttocks.” That’s a quote from the newspaper.
My first thought — it’s winter here and most buttocks are covered with layers of coat. Does he spray the coat? Or does he target women with short jackets? In that case he could spray their jeans or pants.
Does he think that his “swimmers” would be strong enough to penetrate clothing? Is he trying to raise a baseball team? Is that remotely possible?
He is 58 years old. Do aging swimmers get tired faster? (Are there studies on this? How are those studies done? Is there a government grant?) Would they (the sperm) get confused and know where to swim especially if they are landing on clothing and not skin?
Is he aware that he would need to pick his targets based on their cycles?
How did he squirt? Did he use a water pistol? Do they make sperm shooters? Can you buy them on Amazon? (Clearly if I was a good blogger I would google this but I worry about seeing sperm shooting ads on all my apps. The beloved husband put password protection on his computer for this reason.).
Is it his sperm? Does he have a little collection room in his house with dirty magazines and a small vial? Does he get it from a sperm bank or perhaps pay college students who just love doing that?
So many questions. You don’t have to worry. He’s sitting in jail. His bail is $50,000. Imagine that! For being a serial sperm squirter.