People with similarities clump together like flies on a rotting carcass. Men do it all the time with their colleges, fraternities and sports. Women do it – scrapbooking, gourmet cooking, children of a certain age — you hit one of their hot buttons and you have a friend for life.
Cancer survivors are like that too. If it comes out that someone has or had cancer we are all over them like white on rice.
Who was your doctor? What stage? Chemo? Radiation? Local treatment or big city center? What did you think about that cranky technician?
It’s like you have known that person your whole life. Here is a person who KNOWS what it’s really like. People who haven’t shared that bond think they do, but they don’t.
People who have had cancer have a greater chance of getting it again. Anywhere. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
That knowledge can sit on your shoulder or in the back of your head ready to come out and torment you when you least expect it.
Like at 3 a.m.
Like when you have a new ache.
Like when anything and I mean anything is different anywhere on your body.
Like when you are perfectly happy about life.
Yes it fades a little. After ten years I am fairly confident that my ingrown toenail is not cancerous. But it never goes away. You don’t talk about it to anyone but another cancer survivor because people think you are nuts. You are nuts. There is nothing rational about this. It’s cancer.
Today I met another sister. It was at my old lady gym. She is one of the youngest there. I don’t know how it started but it came out. I’ve known her for a few years but I didn’t know. We had the same surgeon and oncologist. We had similar remedies. We shared the same technicians and radiologists and nurses. We concluded we were at the hospital about the same time. Our gurneys may have passed in the hallway.
She was 37 when she was diagnosed. That is way too young. Cancer is more aggressive when you’re young and there is more time for recurrence. She had three children under eight, one of whom was an adopted Korean child that was in four different homes by age four. Heartbreaking. She survived.
She is not a normal person in any way. She bounces in and brightens the day. She is funny and brings a youthful energy to the group.
As we compared stories she told me about her chemo. She had eight rounds and came in costume to all of them – a clown, a punk rocker – I can’t remember them all. She wore her high school cap and gown to the last one. She did a pole dance with her intravenous medicine.
She made all the chemo patients laugh so hard, they were reprimanded for making too much noise. (Can you really imagine that? Some of those people were dying and they deserved to get a good hardy laugh with their treatment!)
She reminds me of a blogging buddy Jill Foer Hirsch who wrote a book about her experience. They both have somewhat unruly curly hair. They both own their cancer and did not let it beat them down. Both are definitely irreverent about it. Both are survivors.
My grandniece is running in the 3-day Susan G Komen Race for Life this year. I am so proud of her! I have had some friends participate in the past; one is no longer with us. From what I hear it is the ultimate bonding experience. Kudos to all who participate.
Shame on all who badmouth the Komen organization. Get beyond the pink ribbons. They have put a face on breast cancer. Women are getting diagnosed earlier and offered better care because of that awareness. As in any organization, some decisions will be popular and some won’t. Get over it. Or better yet, get involved.
Women are still dying of breast cancer. I’ve lost two friends in the past five years. There aren’t many options for metastatic breast cancer so we have a long way to go. We need more research on this and all the other cancers. Open up your moldy pocketbooks and donate to research too.
To my new best friend Michelle, here’s to a long, long life!
Views and Mews by Coffee Kat 
Laughter is the best medicine and success (winning the war on cancer) is the best revenge. Michelle and you both have a great attitude. My Mom went thru this and I know how hard it is on all involved.
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Bravo to you for writing this from a personal perspective and sharing about the camaraderie found in a community of survivors. A friend of ours just lost a 35 year old son to Cancer. The deep sadness of this loss has made me very circumspect this week. You’ve described a circle of friendships I don’t want to be a part of, but I can be a friend to cheer others on. I’ve walked in the “Race for the Cure” in the past in support of another friend. Here’s to another 10, ah, make that 40 years of excellent health, Kate!
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Kudos to you for being there and being supportive (and all that walking). One of my friends let me cry on her shoulder, then two years later she was diagnosed. What goes around, comes around.
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You told this like a gun moll with heart and conviction. Tough but tender, open and brave. I can see how the fear lurks and for that I’m so sorry. I think it’s admirable that you can talk about it so freely. I have such an issue with being open about illness. Your friend that made the other patients laugh is such a hero. She’s the Joan of Arc of cancer and you’re standing right beside her.
This was very moving Kate.
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Thank you. Truth be told at the time, I told very few people. I had to process it for a while, a long while. I got more open as others were diagnosed and I felt I could help them. I worked with a guy whose wife was diagnosed a few years after me and he didn’t understand the 3 a.m. sobbing fits at all. I spent time with him to understand the demons that torment. Having someone affirm that your feelings are valid is really important.
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I know that better than anybody. How often does empathy need to be excavated when people just don’t get what it’s like. I find myself saying, I truly hope this never happens to you, like if I have to ask someone to repeat something and they lose patience.
Again, that was a very heartfelt piece poignantly penned expanding hearts otherwise sealed solid.
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Michelle sounds like a keeper! Glad she made it. Glad you did too.
But I will NOT support the Susan G. Koman foundation
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We all donate as we see fit and there maybe other charities that are more suitable for you. Charity Navigator gives Komen high ratings (4 stars out of 4) and their admin costs are low overall. There is this same controversy going on in another well-known large charity organization I support (not related to cancer). I never expect someone to work for nothing and she’s paid far less than our local utility CEO. I believe that this organization put the face on breast cancer awareness and for that I am very grateful.
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Well said. Sorry that you went through this, but glad that you could write this reminder about the realities of cancer survivors. More research, indeed.
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I’m loving this Michelle woman! And slightly jealous of her pole dancing abilities, although, we’re just taking her word for it. It’s not like we personally witnessed whether it was a good pole dance or not. I digress. May we all stay healthy, happy, wise and sassy!
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You would love her. It would be a fight to get speaking space between the two of you! I do believe she did a pole dance but I doubt if it was good. She was with patients in various stages of chemo, all bald. I’m sure they thought she was great!
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You go girl! Thanks for saying a good word for Susan G. Komen. Yes, I proudly gave my daughter an autographed copy of the book Promise Me written by the sister of one of your sisters. It was my way of saying “Daughter, promise me when you feel another lump you act and don’t say It’s just another cyst.” I’ll never forget being with her when she felt it. Our world stopped, then thankfully life went on. Still I remind her to pay attention. That’s what I was thinking when I read your previous post and again did not comment…some things just take me a while. There are other vignettes interspersed in the book I referenced including the story of a beautiful girl from TX, whose family we know and whose mother’s story I’ve touched on in other posts. We live in a very small world, and I love that the Komen Foundation has included researching other cancers. All connected…it doesn’t matter what kind. Excellent post and so well written.
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We have a few different cancers in the family so we are very equal opportunity. It brings us together as a family. We have “walkers and runners” in our family that participate in many fund raising events. This niece is the first one to try the daunting 3-day walk. Thanks for commenting. I love hearing other stories.
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You go girl! What an inspiration you and Michelle are – humor is how my parents have always dealt with their medical issues. Some feel humor “diminishes” the seriousness of an illness but when YOU are the one living with such a time-bomb, somehow I don’t think it’s EVER forgotten. I’ve had “scares” but still only know cancer from the side-lines – my father’s bladder cancer was rare and aggressive but he never stopped believing he’d beat it. In his hospital room hung proudly on the wall a picture my son drew him of his favorite football team along with the words… “Dee Dee – don’t let the doctors take the piss out of you!” Under any other circumstances I’d NEVER allow such words but this was different. My father thought it HILARIOUS and he’d point it out to every doctor, specialist, nurse, anyone who entered his room. They all laughed but more importantly looked and treated my father differently – here was an old man who wasn’t giving in. He may have been 88, old to some, but he wasn’t ready to stop living and more importantly, stop laughing, and for that happiness and respect was ALWAYS present in his room. Bless you all! xx
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Amen! Thanks for commenting.
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Best opening line EVER! You nailed this post (Is that sparkles in your polish? Probably, although you sparkle naturally)
Thanks for saying what needs to be said. Great job
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Thanks! I knew you Texas folks would get the carcass line.
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Please let them defeat the roadkill is ok to pick up bill…..
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Thank you for this, Kate. I have many friends who are ‘survivors’ and one of my closest didn’t make it. My husband and I totally get what you girls in ‘the group’ have; Michael has a rare and fatal disease called Amyloidosis; unknown cause…incurable…doctors know little about treatment. M was diagnosed four years ago this week; he discovered it himself which is a blessing. Diagnosis is most difficult but when an ENT took a biopsy the pathologist performed the only test in the world that will identify it. Pow! M has a rare form of the rare condition; it is localized in the back of his throat where it seems content. However…it’s like you feel about cancer. Every little thing that pops up in the body is ‘the panic button’. We’re that way with his ‘Amy’ as we call her. Our hearts jump up into our throats; we sweat it out…imagining what could be. So far they’re harmless…but how do people in your condition, in M’s condition know that? Wait and see? Yes, there’s not much else one can do…wait and see…with bated breath.
Michelle had the right idea…laugh and be happy as possible and it’s amazing what happens! I salute all you survivors and all those who haven’t. Each impresses in their own way and help others. Thanks again for sharing. From my heart…to yours!
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Thanks for sharing your story. I remember googling your husband’s condition earlier and it is indeed rare. It’s too bad that if something really unusual had to happen to him, it wasn’t a lottery winning. Hang in there.
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M’s doctor’s look at him and smile…’You are our very special patient…look at you! You’re totally healthy and Amy is contained in her apartment w/a long lease’. All they’re doing is checking and watching his blood tests! They agree that it isn’t wise to pour Chemo…etc…into a perfectly otherwise healthy body. We are totally blest and so thankful…whew!
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What a wonderful and heartwarming story! I hope it stays like that and he dies from very, very old age!
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Wow, Kate, this post gave me the chills. You and Michelle were meant to meet, what an inspiration she is. Coming to her treatments in costume, she’s a true fighter. God bless you, Michelle and every person who has ever had a diagnosis of breast cancer. I donate every quarter and will continue to do so for you and countless others.
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Thanks! Michelle is an inspiration. It all started today because she had Starbucks for breakfast and commented on how much pingy-er the caffeine was. We took off from there.
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