Using words instead of a swear or *gasp* a gun

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Courtesy of passiondeambum

Courtesy of passiondeambum

There is a beauty in the snappy comeback to insult someone. Back before the f-bomb was the universal response or people just shot you and called it road (or whatever) rage, people worked to find the right words. Here are some beauts! Sometimes you had to think twice because on the surface……

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

32 thoughts on “Using words instead of a swear or *gasp* a gun”

  5. My Dad didn’t swear, but he was very effective in delivering the perfect squelch. I loved the exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill. Disraeli’s comment also was the perfect comeback.

    Thanks for the chuckles, Kate.

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  12. Jen used to work with a guy that had a huge vocabulary. Folks made fun of him, but weren’t smart enough to realize that he was making fun of them right back. LOL

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  13. Kate these are great! We have a new employee in our office and Winston & Walter describe her so well that I am printing these out to hang on my wall.
    I actually thought of you and your HR experience, when I found out this woman’s nickname was “Bubbles.” I’m ruling out that she was a former stripper, for many reasons and I’m left to assume Bubbles was given her name in the same manner that the fat guy got the nickname slim. She is about to get popped with words tomorrow!

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  14. Straight from HR:

    1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

    2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

    3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

    4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

    5. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

    6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

    7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

    8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

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  15. These two have long been favorites:

    * “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
    * “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

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    • Oscar Wilde is one of my favorites but Winston Churchill is no slouch either. Unfortunately I am not as talented to come up with the right words in the moment. However, a day later I am on a rant!

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