Missing Mom for the holidays | A Tess Tale

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My mother (right) with her mother (left) and sister. The children are my two brothers and one of my cousins.

My mother (right) with her mother (left) and sister. The children are my two brothers and one of my cousins.

It’s been 28 years but the time doesn’t matter.

I still miss her.

The missing never stops. It gets pushed down but it doesn’t go away.

There are triggers that remind me that she isn’t here anymore. Some triggers invoke wonderful memories and make me smile like seeing a group of older ladies slipping sugar packets in their purse. Yes, my mother was a sugar thief.

Today I had one of those triggers and it just made me miss her.

My mother loved Christmas. For her it was about the family and the food. There wasn’t a lot of money so it wasn’t about the presents. In fact when she was a young girl, oranges and nuts were wondrous presents to her. Thank God I didn’t live then!

For the holidays, she baked Austrian-German pastries that were to die for. With a lot of relatives dropping in, she never worried about having too much. There were kiffels and nut tossies and nut pie and cut-outs along with the standards like snicker doodles and thumb print cookies and so many others. She would have a lot of different varieties of treats to eat. Always.

For her baking was an opportunity to share. Sometimes I helped but most of the time she baked when I was in school or at work. She enjoyed baking and it showed.

Most of the relatives are gone now or off with their own distant families. The magic of that time is but a memory. There are no do-overs or YouTube clips. We don’t even have old-fashioned photographs to document the events.

It’s different today. Friends are health conscious so they don’t overindulge. Visiting is formal. People don’t “drop in.” They need a reason. They call first or you invite them. That sure cuts out a lot of the fun spontaneous visits.

If you have guests in, you go out and buy stuff that tastes like cardboard because you don’t have time.

This week I stopped at our local farmers’ market. There are a few vendors that make the old world food in the old world way and I bought some.

I was hoping that some old long-forgotten memories would flood back and put me in a great holiday mood. That was not to be. Even I was surprised at how homesick I got for my mother.

It wasn’t the same without her sitting on the other side of the table listening to me talk about my day or having her comment on her day. Sometimes both of us talked at the same time. Bad listening genes run in our family.

It wasn’t the same without some relative or neighbor banging at the door hoping that there were goodies in the cookie tray and coffee in the pot, bringing with them the latest gossip.

My mother was a pistol.  Conversations and visits were never bland nor did she ever hold back what she really thought.

I wish I had a video of one her baking sessions along with the conversations that went on afterward.

Like I said when I started, I still miss her.

50 thoughts on “Missing Mom for the holidays | A Tess Tale”

    • My mother was a widow for 30 years. During about the last 10 years she had a “gentleman caller.” He died about a year after my mother than then I truly felt orphaned. All of a sudden, I was part of the “older generation.”

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      • Another more interesting story is my grandmother. She lost her husband in her mid-50s. She came to Canada at 90 or 91 from Europe to here.. All that time after her husband died, she felt no urge to remarry. I believe she was a bit of a Suffragette (before her time). It helped that her husband was a drinker and treated her like the ‘help’.

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  2. The ache never goes away. What I wouldn’t give for a conversation with my mom over a cup of coffee. She was a great baker as well and made the best cinnamon rolls and jelly donuts.

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  3. Good Morning Kate! I found you through Nancy at Spirit Lights the Way. I love this post. It’s been 26 years for me and I still miss my Mom. My life has not been the same since she died. She loved Christmas too, she was like a little kid right up to her last Christmas. I am a kitty lover. We are kittie-less right now but ya never know when that could change. I enjoyed my visit here and will be back this afternoon when I have some quiet time to read. I am looking forward to it!

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    • Thanks for stopping by. I remember my mother telling me how much she missed her mother. When the relationship is good, the memory stays alive. The following is a message from my cat crew: Yes, by all means, work on getting another kitty!

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  4. Very poignant–it brought tears to my eyes and made me realize that I’ve been pretending it isn’t Christmas time. It’s my first year without my grandmother, and I just don’t feel like celebrating. Good thing Ken is making the holiday happen (trimming the tree, wrapping the presents, baking the cookies, planning the food…) or I don’t think we’d have one.

    I don’t feel particularly sad or grumpy–I just don’t feel Christmassy. Possibly because I, too, miss the old-fashioned way of doing everything (much less planned and formalized).

    But still, it IS Christmas and I love the meaning of all that. So, wishing you, and everyone, all the peace and goodwill that make the season bright.

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  5. Lovely memories. Doesn’t matter how old we are we are still kids when we think about mom. My ma has been gone 32 years…sometimes it seems like I just talked to her yesterday other times it seems like forever ago.

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  6. Oh Kate, this is such a beautiful tribute to your mother. Thankfully, I’m not a member of that club at this point in my life, but thinking about it makes me feel as though I can’t breath. I loved reading about the sugar packets. For my mother, it’s straws. Wishing you and your family peace and joy in the New Year. Good luck tomorrow against the Bears.

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  7. Such a lovely and loving tribute, Kate. The holidays are the hardest when we’re missing family.
    My mother-in-law was a ‘sugar thief’, too, as well as a purse filler with packages of crackers and little packets of condiments. She was a product of the Great Depression, though as she always said, “There was nothing ‘great’ about it, other than it was great we survived.”
    Christmas blessings, Kate.

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  8. This really killed me Kate…for one, my mother was nuts so I don’t have this kind of warm memory beneath my skirt, but Christmas was the exception to the insanity rule because she loved it so. As a Taurian Italian her door was always open…people came to eat my grandfather”s ponatoni and her angel food cake laced with rum. She’d lie and say it was only their imagination..there was no liquor in there, as they got a little crossed-eyes leaning off their chairs.

    I can only say I wish I had a mom like yours who didn’t wait for a holiday to show affection and care..,this is a keeper alright.

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  9. Missing our loved ones, especially our Moms, seems to be emphasized during the holidays. Thanks for sharing this memory of your Mom. The Pistol. I like that. Those are big shoes to fill. The smells of baking, and the laughter and good company. Great memories.

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  10. Beautiful memories, Kate. My Mom and Dad also made our Christmases special. Mom’s cookies and pies were a treat we all looked forward to. My Mom’s been gone since January 2001. Like you, I do miss the talks Mom and I shared. We also didn’t go overboard on gifts. Mostly, we still don’t. I just love getting together with our family. Those are the best times.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, to you and yours.

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  12. Thank you for including us all in your fond memories of “Tess the Pistol” Reading about a woman would spoke her mind, in a time when women were forced to be quiet, always impress me. But, to having a strong opinion with a side of baking skills….Tess was clearly badass. I think she would love it that she is inspiring someone from from above.

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  13. Every time you share about your mother I really soak it up. I can feel how much you miss her, and when you share she feels so recently gone, yet you say 28 years. I think that’s why your writing about her is so powerful–you obviously had a very strong bond. I can imagine she’d be so surprised, probably shocked, to think that so many total strangers know her name and think of her as delightful. I’m sorry for the ache you’re feeling, but I hope it’s somehow a sweet ache. ox

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    • Thanks for your kind words. We did have a bond because my father died when I was young and since both my brothers were quite a bit older, it was just the two of us for a long time.

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    • As I remember you lost your birth mother very young and ended up one of those disinterested stepmothers. That experience goes a long way to making you a great mother. After all, you knew all the things not to do!

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  16. It’s hard being an orphan. My mother never cooked much, but my grandmother, the only one I knew, came every Christmas and made the most wonderful treats! She was very short – and had twinkling eyes very much like an elf.
    I miss the dropping in by neighbors – and leaning over the fence to talk….just not done anymore. Something lost there.
    A cheery jingle sent your way – hope your holidays make you smile

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  17. What a great household to grow up in, Kate. My parents did lots of “entertaining” . . . but we didn’t often have folks just drop in for a nosh and a natter. Mom did do lots of Holiday Baking which we all enjoyed ~ fruitcakes, cookies, stolen, scones, plum pudding, etc..

    I just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago. These days she can’t seem to summon up the enthusiasm to respond to Christmas Cards from her friends and family, “I’m 85. Why bother?” But it’s “OK.” She’s with my brother and his family of 6, she enjoys meals, and Joan’s baking, and she’s reasonably content . . . even if she is only a shadow of her former self.

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  18. Tess makes me think of my grandmother who communicated how much she cared about you through the food she made from the old country recipes she was raised on. She wasn’t a pistol like Tess but rather a quiet survivor who was and still is the hero(ine) of my life. Thanks for sharing these memories and bringing back mine and all the missing that goes with them.

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  19. How wonderful to have those memories …..and the heartache that goes with them. You were a blessed soul. Loved the pic of you mom and her family. Thanks for that one.

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  20. Yes, we miss mom! I guess you are too young to remember grammie. She’s the one who taught mom her stuff. I remember when I was still a kid, going to grammie’s and announcing loudly,”I’m hungry!” as we walked in the door. All of this was much to grammie’s delight.
    I believe it is in the genes, because you also are a good cook. There are many things I learned at mom’s knees. She taught me how to cook, as well. For this I am grateful. Great memories. Brother-Tom

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  21. Thank you for sharing your wonderful memories you have about your mother. I completely understand the empty feeling that lives inside us after our mother passes away. This will be my eighth holiday season without my mum and it is never the same magical feeling as it was when she was with me. Love Jenna

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  22. You’re right, the missing never stops.

    I kind of miss the “pop-ins” of old … when you’d hear a car’s tires crunch on the gravel out front, peek out and realize that someone – a neighbor, auntie, friend, was coming up the sidewalk for a bit of a visit.

    I still have my Mom; this post made me treasure her even more.
    MJ

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    • You are lucky. I too remember not so much the tires crunch but either the banging on the door or someone opening it up and yelling, “Yoohoo! Anyone home?”

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      • yes! We had a big picture window facing the driveway/sidewalk so we could see, from the kitchen, who was coming up the walk…. My Grandparents loved the pop in, my Mom, not so much 🙂

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  24. Although my mom hasn’t been gone as long, she’s been gone long enough for me to realize that missing her is just a part of me now. And as lovely as the holidays are, they are now always bittersweet. Sending hugs and a lot of understanding.

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