This past summer I have experienced some gastrointestinal issues that are new. It’s not life threatening stuff but really annoying. I’ve seen four doctors so far and I got nada. One thinks I’m getting old. Another says I’m not old and this is not normal but she doesn’t know what to suggest. One thinks I may have IBS which is diagnosed by a lack of diagnosis for anything else. Another is suggesting surgery. Really? I think not!
When you don’t die from something, there isn’t a lot of research going on. No point in wasting money unless the masses are affected and there’s money to be made.
For fund-raising, how can you compete with organizations where people die? My issues don’t make me bald or sad-looking so I have to buck up.
I have learned a lot from my friends. There are others in the same boat. In fact, I received more useful information from normal people than from doctors.
My friends tell me what prescription medicines to ask for and surprisingly, the doctors oblige. I have logs to look for trends and triggers. Now I have to work on timing.
There have been some good things that have happened as a result. Over the past several months I have learned a lot about public bathrooms. I know where every bathroom in a 50-mile radius is.
I may write a book about them. I can note who has good toilet tissue (that would be where it doesn’t disintegrate when you look at it) and the really clean places with multiple stalls.
I no longer frequent restaurants with a gross bathroom. Think about it. The food servers use the same restrooms. They handle your food! Do you really think they sing Happy Birthday twice while they wash their hands in a dirty sink with cold water? Yuk!
Pizza places have the worst restrooms. Why? Don’t pizza eaters eliminate? Do they just hold it until they get home or do they go behind a bush in the back? I need to get to the bottom of this!
Corner bars aren’t all that great either. I’m not looking for flowers and cloth towels – just doors that close properly, quality paper, hot water and soap and more than one stall.
Definitely not a unisex room either! Yikes! One time I opened a unisex door only to find a guy peeing in the toilet. Don’t guys lock the door? My retinas were scarred! (Men are definitely not created equal!)
I am working on developing a relationship with my innards. We chat every morning and it goes like this:
Me: Good morning colon, how are we today?
Colon: Yesterday’s hot pepper isn’t doing well here. What a pain in the ass (literally).
Me: (feigning regret) So sorry. It was tasty on the front end.
Colon: It’s creating quite a stir. There will be a rocking goodbye party when it leaves! Also, cut back on the tomatoes! All that acid and skin floating around here. It’s gross.
Me: (trying to act contrite) Ok. Duly noted.
Colon: Also, you have some stressful situations coming up. Don’t dwell on them. You know what that does to me!
Me: (head hanging low) Sigh.
Looks like it may be a good day!