You’re driving me crazy!

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I am not responsible for anything that stands between me and my first morning coffee!

This is my all time favorite driver photo!

This is my all time favorite driver photo!

Remember that post I wrote about the detour I have to take for my Starbucks each morning? (What! You didn’t read it! That’s downright sacrilegious! Fortunately for you, it’s here.) Well, I’m still doing it – the detour that is.

During the week I use a 2 mile stretch of a super-duper interstate 6 lane highway to get home. It’s easier and quicker than the posted detour. You gotta trust me on that one. I put a lot of research into how to get my mocha latte the quickest way with the least amount of mental health issues. I have spreadsheets…flowcharts…prescription drugs…the whole shebang!

I have concluded after three months of this nonsense that there are very few people who drive up to my standards. Very few. Probably not you either.

This is for all you drivers out there.

  • If you are not going to drive the speed limit don’t pull out right in front of me. Especially if there are no cars behind me. What are you stupid or something? I have superpowers and will put a whammy on you. (More about my powers later.)
  • Stop being freaking polite! I know you are pulling onto a super highway but you don’t need to wait until that car 2 miles down the road passes you. I don’t care if the driver is a nun! They don’t get a free pass. You pull out when you have a hole in the traffic. God will understand.
  • If you are that incredibly dumb driver who is trying to attach himself to the inside of my trunk as I wait for an opening, remember we are not a tandem truck. It is dangerous to do that. What if I brake for a kitty? It’s all over and we’ll be in heaven. Oh, wait. I’ll be in heaven. There is no heaven for dumb drivers.
  • Hey you! You on the cell phone. Pull off the road! What are you waiting for? I don’t care if your Aunt Emma just passed gas. The funeral is not until next week. Get on with it or the whammy’s on you too. (Why do people think they can multi-task? There are studies that show they can’t. They are called morbidity studies. That and you can tell because they missed their lips when they put their lipstick on. Unfortunately men just make bad investments when they are using a cell phone in the car. Don’t get sucked in by the beamer transportation. They are poor as church mice.)

Now for the super powers – here is what my whammy will do:

For women:

  • mimiYour husband will install separate bathtubs on the front lawn. You know what that means. Take your vitamin E.
  • Eternal bloating will damn you to a life of ill-fitting Spanx. (Can anyone really wear those things?)
  • You will become attracted to blue eye shadow – electric blue. You will either be in style or the laughing stock of the office.

For men:

  • Your wife will be doomed to eternal PMS. You may want to rent an apartment elsewhere. Perhaps in another state.
  • You will never see the remote again.
  • For the finale – your teams will be on the bottom! (This happened to my husband this year and I didn’t even put a whammy on him!)

So will you try to drive better now?

40 thoughts on “You’re driving me crazy!”

  1. “If you are not going to drive the speed limit don’t pull out right in front of me.”

    I hate it when people do that. I think people like that are more concerned with being first than being fast. It’s very passive-aggressive.

    To have the power to make someone look as makeup- and fashion-challenged like Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show” would be hilarious.

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  3. This was very funny Kate…spanx should be taken off the market by the way…it makes your skin look like a Jello. I love the picture of the dogs driving. I never realized how funny you are 🙂

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  4. “I am not responsible for anything that stands between me and my first morning coffee!” That is a bumper sticker right there Kate.
    Just another reason wands should be considered necessary accessories.

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  5. You’re feisty! I’ve taken to riding the bus lately (because other drivers make me absolutely bonkers and I don’t like feeling bonkers, and I can’t have coffee for medical reasons).

    And I’m much less stressed out, therefore much nicer these days.

    I see now that the other good reason to ride the bus is that I’ll be less likely to get whammied by you, since I’m not a dumb driver. Very funny post!

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  6. Loved this, Kate, and I can really identify with your turbo-charged attitude.

    I drive the interstate a lot and I’ve developed a sixth sense about predicting what dumb move some motorists are going to pull next. Crazy. It’s not much better off the highways. When their turn signal blinks on the right, that does NOT necessarily mean that’s the direction they’re going to turn. Not looking when moving into another lane? Don’t get me started.

    Sometimes, the air was blue inside my car … and I pride myself on being ladylike. (But not when driving.)

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  7. I also have the witch’s power to put on curses. I try to keep them gentle but harsh enough to leave a distinct message. Don’t try to talk to me before breakfast – never mind the coffee – I need food! I love your post here Kate. It means you are human after all – and powerful indeed! Does your husband try to escape in the mornings? Mine does. 🙂

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  10. I think I’ve uncovered the problem, Kate. It’s not just the coffee, it’s the sugar and coffee in a mocha latte. You have entirely too much adrenaline coursing through your body early in the day! I don’t really see you as the chamomile tea kind of gal, however, so you will just have to continue writing to get it all out! 🙂

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  12. Hahahahaha! Love this! Couldn’t agree more. They have Spanx for men now. Perhaps that could be added to your list of whammies.

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  15. Two thumbs up! 🙂
    “I am not responsible for anything that stands between me and my first morning coffee!” This could also be my motto. I am more peaceful after my first huge coffee. Nevertheless, most drivers still drive me mad. 😉

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  16. Sorry about your driving woes, but what a wonderful, concise list of useful whammy-ness you’ve compiled. May I please have the same superpowers? They could come in handy in so many situations.

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  17. Kate, I had no idea you had so much aggression in you! You really kept it toned down at Phoebe’s. Love all your stories. Keep them coming!

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