Flatulence, the humbling equalizer

There! I’ve said it! There is nothing that strikes across all levels of coolness like flatulence. Doesn’t matter what age you are, well, maybe a little. Doesn’t matter what your financial status is. It hits us all.

Personally, I don’t have a whole lot of trouble with flatulence, just once in a while. A few of my friends, not naming any names here, tend to be gassy. We all know that as you get older, well, you get gassier and gassier. We all have some occasions where…well…..

There needs to be a cure for this. Really!

I may not have any “incidences” for a while and then a sudden storm erupts in my gut. I usually have no idea what caused it. Last time it was a handful of peanuts. Peanuts! It strikes with gale force winds that may even be equal to a category 5 hurricane battering my poor little sphincter. Eyouza!

You can be sure this doesn’t happen when I am home by myself. Or even with my cats who occasionally battle with flatulence (mostly when their rear is aimed at my face). Oh no! It only happens when there are people around.

  • In a meeting when everything gets quiet, you can feel the rumbling but you are terrified to move, speak or even breathe. You are sure you are capable of blowing out the windows!
  • At the gym but what the heck, I go to a ladies’ gym where I am one of the youngsters. The good news here is that no one can hear or smell very well.
  • Walking down a hallway – there it is, a pile of gas just waiting for the next cheek movement to disrupt the solitude so you can putt, putt, putt and entertain the group walking in back of you. Or you can stand perfectly still until everyone has passed. You may look silly but you can focus on a speck on the wall as if it were a great painting. Truth is, no one will be fooled!
  • Someplace solemn, where you are dressed up – maybe a wedding or gasp! A funeral (although the dearly deceased won’t mind)! You look so classy but your eyes are getting wild wondering if you will have any control at all.

Novartis-Gas-XThere are some things you can do. You can take a pill. The problem is that the pills are never where you are. If they are at home in your medicine chest, you will be at least a half hour drive away. If they are in your purse, you will be a 10 minute walk from wherever you stored it. You can retrieve them…putt, putt, putting all the way.

You can get one of those spy devices that hides a secret pill for self-destruction in case of capture and put the Gas-X there. That may even be pretty cool. You can fit in your flatulence pill, your anti-diarrhea pill, your heartburn pill — you know all those things that rip your gut up.

Flatulence-underwareOr you can buy this device. It’s a flatulence deodorizer pad with charcoal. Guaranteed to do the trick. No stinky odor gets out. Ever. So they say.

Or you can do what we did in grade school – just stare at the person next to you with a “what did you do” look on your face. It worked great then. Before you knew it everyone was giving the face to everyone else!fart emoticon

23 thoughts on “Flatulence, the humbling equalizer

  1. Pingback: The nominees are: drum roll please… « theseeker

  2. Your post brings to mind Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles” and the real truth behind those bean dinners. For me, I found what I could eat. It’s boring but I eat the same thing for lunch every day … so far, so good. No more troubling eruptions at work.

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  3. Flatulence is caused by poor digestion Kate. Taking digestive enzyme pills which help the gut start to digest food properly helps all older people as we don;t manufacture enough digestive enzymes for ourselves. With dogs and children they are often eating something which their digestion can’t handle, and is maybe allergic to. And often stress causes the digestive system to be stressed and lacking in those enzymes.
    With dogs and cats, pet food manufacturers use the cheapest foods to make pet foods, which often include sweet corn, beetroot and beef, all of which are bad for cats. As soon as I started giving my cat expensive pet food from the vet, she stopped having problems. – ditto the dogs…

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  4. I’m grinning…not because I ‘smelt it’, but because you’ve dealt with a universal condition with such an adroit hand. I suppose that’s a fancy way of saying I like the way you dealt it (ha!). Thanks for helping me crack a smile on a cold Chicago night. Dan

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  5. oh my, I sometimes (very rarely) stand in class and think mmhhh how can I excuse myself without blowing myself out of the room … until now not been caught out in class but I bet there will be a first

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