Aging gracefully (maybe) but where did my pits go?

sunshineTemperatures in my area are high, high, high with a good dose of humidity. Of course that always coincides with something I need to do outside.

I am reworking my pond area so it’s not so pathetic and bare. Without my old tree it’s in full sun. The new tree just isn’t big enough to provide shade. (What’s with that? It’s been in the ground a month! What a slacker!)

It would be great if I did this work early in the morning but my motor doesn’t run so well then. I had to work at the hottest part of the day.coffee cartoon

First off, I didn’t realize that armpit glands enlarge as you age. They migrate to places they never were before. Places they don’t belong.

I am not large boobed but there was a river under there deep enough to hold trout. Seriously. Maybe even a few tadpoles.

The flanks were soaked. I am not even going to mention my crotch. Opps! Too late! Well never mind that. Let’s just say there was no dryness issue.

I checked Wikipedia. Did you know that sweat contains pheromones and it’s used to attract the opposite sex? When was the last time you were attracted to a stinky, sweaty mate? Not me mon!

Of course I turned to the experts – my exercise ladies. I found out I am very lucky. Some of them have a river under their abdomen too. Who thought that would flood.

One of the ladies uses baby powder. I’ve never done the powder stuff but today  it would be like putty molded all over my body.

This will keep you dry and stop any rashes (so they say). Courtesy of Amazon

This will keep you dry and stop any rashes (so they say). Courtesy of Amazon

You can buy towel slings for the abdomen to keep you comfortable. My answer would be to stop doing work that makes you sweat!

It’s not just the sweating. With the high humidity you can’t dry out. I am expecting mushrooms to pop out all over. I’m hoping for truffles but more likely it will be skin warts and boogers.

Another suggestion from the ladies (it came from her doctor) is to use jock itch medication. It’s a fungus problem and jocks get all sweaty and fungus-y. (I sort of remember that from my early dating years although there were problems with those jocks that went far beyond fungus. That is another post.)

My solution is to stop working in the heat. Use the age card. Old people shouldn’t be exerting themselves in hot weather (anything over 70 degrees). Take a lukewarm shower and end with a nice long cold drink.

Start with non-alcoholic drinks first. You are dehydrated and alcohol can make you wonky. Wonky is sure to give you a headache and make you do crazy things. (I remember that from my dating years too!)

Later on as you are floating around in your sandals and kaftan, you can have a nice cocktail on the veranda and all will be well.umbrella drink

27 thoughts on “Aging gracefully (maybe) but where did my pits go?

  1. This is so funny…I am not large boobed but there was a river under there deep enough to hold trout. What an image to behold…I have one word for you…talc, something I never thought I’d use and well, I dust myself like a big cookie. You really made me laugh when I sure needed one.

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  2. Thank you for answering the very important question that has been lingering in my head. I have been sweating at levels that aren’t even human! I hope I’m old enough to play the old age card, because it is getting played. Stay cool …. cheers!

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    • You are never too young for the age card. I remember my sister-in-law using it when she was 36 (she always described it as almost 40 when it came to work and just over 30 when it came to fun).

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  3. You crack me up…”Hooha.” 🙂 Maybe you can ask your husband to hose you down, Kate! It’s been so humid here in Charlotte, you start to sweat as soon as you walk out the door. I love the heat, but I could do without the humidity. I do sprinkle a little powder under my arms after applying the deodorant, it helps a little.

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  4. This is hilarious. I have never sweated much from under my arms…ever. However, I seem to sweat everywhere (I mean EVERYwhere) else! Without the central air that we have now in the house (bless my husband and his practicality), I tend to look like a monster rising, dripping, from the swamp. I probably smell somewhat that way too, although I am blessed with a lack of odor (either that, or I need to have my nasal glands tested).

    So now that I have a little (okay, not-so-little) roll around my abdomen, I have a terribly sweaty area underneath it. I can’t lie flat in bed anymore, so that area doesn’t get any air. As the saying goes, there is now “a fungus among us.” I think that belly strap might help…oh *rereading the post* “towel sling”…so I’ll look into getting one. Where would I find it, Kate?

    Fortunately, I hardly notice that I am sweating, even when I’m working in the heat, if I am interested and engaged. Still, I hardly ever go outside in the summer. It’s not the heat; it’s the mosquitoes. I’m allergic to them. My legs look like a connect-the-dots puzzle. But, as we say in the writing business,:| that’s another story.

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    • I am not a sweat-er either and maybe that’s why it bothers me when I do sweat. The sling thingie is available through Amazon. This is a bad year for mosquitoes here. Normally I am not their favorite but this year I am like caviar!

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  5. Funny girl…hit the nail on the head…oops, on the sags, I mean. Surely not many use the slinky thing for the stomach…like falsies. Yuck. The powder is nice…when there’s no liquid involved…sweating is for someone else ’cause I think it stinks…really? I love ice water, lots and lots of it. But then it’s always tranquilizing to have a little more of something exciting…as in the dating days…you betcha’…Love this post.

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  6. Hilarious and true! After 25 years of slow deterioration and increased dripping I only go out once a month for 15 minute intervals and then head for the shower, the caftan, and anything cold within reach. I don’t know how you always expose the decline and fall of the aging female much less how you make the whole thing funny but you do.

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    • We got to keep laughing because if we don’t, it’s all over. I was at the gyno this morning for an annual checkup. She suggested moisturizer for my hooha. Didn’t need it the other day.

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