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Flatulence, the humbling equalizer

February 12, 2013 12:59 pm

There! I’ve said it! There is nothing that strikes across all levels of coolness like flatulence. Doesn’t matter what age you are, well, maybe a little. Doesn’t matter what your financial status is. It hits us all.

Personally, I don’t have a whole lot of trouble with flatulence, just once in a while. A few of my friends, not naming any names here, tend to be gassy. We all know that as you get older, well, you get gassier and gassier. We all have some occasions where…well…..

There needs to be a cure for this. Really!

I may not have any “incidences” for a while and then a sudden storm erupts in my gut. I usually have no idea what caused it. Last time it was a handful of peanuts. Peanuts! It strikes with gale force winds that may even be equal to a category 5 hurricane battering my poor little sphincter. Eyouza!

You can be sure this doesn’t happen when I am home by myself. Or even with my cats who occasionally battle with flatulence (mostly when their rear is aimed at my face). Oh no! It only happens when there are people around.

• In a meeting when everything gets quiet, you can feel the rumbling but you are terrified to move, speak or even breathe. You are sure you are capable of blowing out the windows!
• At the gym but what the heck, I go to a ladies’ gym where I am one of the youngsters. The good news here is that no one can hear or smell very well.
• Walking down a hallway – there it is, a pile of gas just waiting for the next cheek movement to disrupt the solitude so you can putt, putt, putt and entertain the group walking in back of you. Or you can stand perfectly still until everyone has passed. You may look silly but you can focus on a speck on the wall as if it were a great painting. Truth is, no one will be fooled!
• Someplace solemn, where you are dressed up – maybe a wedding or gasp! A funeral (although the dearly deceased won’t mind)! You look so classy but your eyes are getting wild wondering if you will have any control at all.

There are some things you can do. You can take a pill. The problem is that the pills are never where you are. If they are at home in your medicine chest, you will be at least a half hour drive away. If they are in your purse, you will be a 10 minute walk from wherever you stored it. You can retrieve them…putt, putt, putting all the way.

You can get one of those spy devices that hides a secret pill for self-destruction in case of capture and put the Gas-X there. That may even be pretty cool. You can fit in your flatulence pill, your anti-diarrhea pill, your heartburn pill — you know all those things that rip your gut up.

Or you can buy this device. It’s a flatulence deodorizer pad with charcoal. Guaranteed to do the trick. No stinky odor gets out. Ever. So they say.

Or you can do what we did in grade school – just stare at the person next to you with a “what did you do” look on your face. It worked great then. Before you knew it everyone was giving the face to everyone else!

Posted by Kate Crimmins

Categories: Aging Gracefully, Humor

Tags: cat farts, charcoal pad, embarrassing events, farts, Flatulence, Gas-X, intestinal problems

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23 Responses to “Flatulence, the humbling equalizer”

1. […] I think… 9.   carldagostino of I Know I Made You Smile 10. grandmalin of Breathing Space 11. katecrimmins of Views and Mews by Coffee Kat 12. nrhatch of  Spirit Lights The Way 13. michelle w. of Daily […]

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   By The nominees are: drum roll please… « theseeker on February 17, 2013 at 2:16 pm

2. Your post brings to mind Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles” and the real truth behind those bean dinners. For me, I found what I could eat. It’s boring but I eat the same thing for lunch every day … so far, so good. No more troubling eruptions at work.

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   By earthriderjudyberman on February 15, 2013 at 10:26 pm

   1. That reminds me of onions. Ilove them but then I have this breath thing going on. When I worked it was always a conflict whether I wanted to be happy or stink all afternoon!

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      By katecrimmins on February 16, 2013 at 5:38 am

3. Flatulence is caused by poor digestion Kate. Taking digestive enzyme pills which help the gut start to digest food properly helps all older people as we don;t manufacture enough digestive enzymes for ourselves. With dogs and children they are often eating something which their digestion can’t handle, and is maybe allergic to. And often stress causes the digestive system to be stressed and lacking in those enzymes.
   With dogs and cats, pet food manufacturers use the cheapest foods to make pet foods, which often include sweet corn, beetroot and beef, all of which are bad for cats. As soon as I started giving my cat expensive pet food from the vet, she stopped having problems. – ditto the dogs…

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   By valeriedavies on February 13, 2013 at 11:47 pm

   1. Well stated! I wish I was disciplined enough to take them regularly.

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      By katecrimmins on February 16, 2013 at 5:39 am

4. Hahahaaa! You know I love this post! And that device, so efficient, so funny!

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   By MissFourEyes on February 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

   1. Yes, you are warped….just like me. Poor baby!

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      By katecrimmins on February 13, 2013 at 2:52 pm

5. LOL! I have a dog who has that problem on a daily basis. So the people in our house never ever experience flatulence. We can always blame the dog. 🙂

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   By dorannrule on February 12, 2013 at 10:59 pm

   1. Why, it must have been the dog!

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      By katecrimmins on February 13, 2013 at 9:07 am

6. Do I need prescription for the Pad?

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   By seeker on February 12, 2013 at 10:51 pm

   1. Nope! Just lots of gas!

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      By katecrimmins on February 16, 2013 at 5:37 am

7. I’m grinning…not because I ‘smelt it’, but because you’ve dealt with a universal condition with such an adroit hand. I suppose that’s a fancy way of saying I like the way you dealt it (ha!). Thanks for helping me crack a smile on a cold Chicago night. Dan

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   By dan4kent on February 12, 2013 at 7:43 pm

   1. My pleasure!

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      By katecrimmins on February 12, 2013 at 7:48 pm

8. Gassy groups today – this is the second blog post about embarrassing incidents.(Ok the first was about boy scouts..they’re boys, so it’s expected.) Funny post! (Think I’ll avoid some of those hearty bean soups during this chilly weather)

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   By philosophermouseofthehedge on February 12, 2013 at 6:52 pm

9. Ha! Some very solid tips here, Kate! (Love crop dusting)

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   By kateshrewsday on February 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm

10. oh my, I sometimes (very rarely) stand in class and think mmhhh how can I excuse myself without blowing myself out of the room … until now not been caught out in class but I bet there will be a first

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    By jensine on February 12, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    1. I’ve been there too. I stand bolted to the floor hoping it will pass.

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       By katecrimmins on February 12, 2013 at 7:50 pm

       1. 🙂

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          By jensine on February 13, 2013 at 2:44 am

11. Pilates classes put one at high risk too!

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    By Dawn Lennon on February 12, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    1. Oh yes, bending is not good!

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       By katecrimmins on February 12, 2013 at 3:03 pm

       1. and yoga….

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          By philosophermouseofthehedge on February 12, 2013 at 6:47 pm

12. I have a gassy friend who refers to the “putt, putting down the hall” as crop dusting.

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    By Paprika Furstenburg on February 12, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    1. I love that!

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       By katecrimmins on February 12, 2013 at 1:16 pm

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