My extended family is a collection of all sorts of personalities although we skew toward the introvert side. There have been some marriages that brought in an infusion of extrovert (or the dark side as we call it). I call it gypsy blood but every nationality has their extroverts.
At a recent family gathering I was looking around at the group. The conversation was dominated by the extros while us intros sat back and watched the entertainment. Every once in a while we’d throw in a zinger. We were all enjoying it.
As the gathering took longer than expected (or even reasonable) the difference was apparent. Us intros were getting wild eyes. The kind that signals an implosion of sorts. The kind that will require alone time to recover. Maybe even a nap. A long nap. Some cat cuddles or wine. It was people-y (especially for someone like me with a 90-minute butt).
On the other hand the extros were rocking into it. I swear they brought their toothbrush and jammies just in case.
Makes me curious just how that happens. Genes and chromosomes. Nature and nurture. Whatever. (There are some folks in my extended family that I swear were swapped out at birth!)
There was a time I wished I was more outgoing. As I got older I was better at it (and my job required it) but I still hate the small talk at parties. Banal conversation is boring but necessary as you search for the right topic to connect. (That brings up some very disastrous dating experiences but that’s another post!)
Sometimes you never connect. Sometimes it’s more about being entertained by the outrageous. Sometimes it’s about looking at your watch to determine a suitable “leave” time.
These days I rock who I am. No regrets. If you invite me, remember I have a 90 minute butt.
Your posts always make me smile! I think I am in the middle pretty much. I love one on ones but can have a lot of fun with a.small group of people too. I don’t have a 90 minute butt, if in a good conversation I can go for a long time, but if the conversation is really lacking then I may just have a 15 minute butt! 🙂
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Even when I’m having a good time I get antsy!
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🙂
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Right there with you on the intro thing. I have a definite cutoff for socializing, and after that point, all bets are off!
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Yep, I get my fill and I’m outta there!
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I certainly relate! In my family there are more intros than extros, so that’s a help. But my husband and daughter are definitely extroverts, and they can really give me a hard time. Families are complex! 🙂
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They are complex. Relatives are so similar and so different all at once!
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I loved this post! So much truth about us introverts. After awhile even the nicest social interaction can be exhausting….
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Too much too long and I’m a goner. I get a claustrophobic feeling and I have to get out.
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A few months ago I blogged about a book called Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. It was an interesting read. Here’s the link. https://thehomeplaceweb.com/2019/08/28/the-literary-salon-quiet-a-book-for-introverts/
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I read that several years ago when it came out. Good book!
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🐿Welcome to my world.
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There are a lot of us…
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Solidarity, sister.
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I absolutely relate to your post! I am an introvert and I definitely get lost in a crowd. I let the extros take over as I enjoy their energy and quick wit. After a while it does wear me out and I need to escape to some solitude. I much prefer (very) small group gatherings or one to one dates.I used to wish I could be more outgoing, but I have grown to accept and appreciate my introverted personality. Really enjoyed your post!
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I used to work with a guy that I would consider a extro. He was a riot at a party until he wasn’t there. He would disappear out after an hour or two without a word. Now I think he wasn’t an extro but an intro faking it for as long as he could!
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That is a very interesting observation!
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The older we get the more family reunions become like speed dating HaHa. (Love the ones who brought PJ/tooth brushes vs the wild eyes/secret signaling comparison so funny and so true)
It’s the holidays – gatherings, yes, but we all like to give ourselves the gift of being where we want when.
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Yes indeed!
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I totally understand the 90 minute butt!! At last someone else put a name to it. I thought it was just me and my restless nature. At some social events and gatherings, even 90 minutes feels excessive.
The only time it doesn’t apply is when I go into slug mode and start watching Netflix at 3 in the afternoon.
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It doesn’t apply when you are not socializing! For me it’s a people rule. 90 minutes of people is tops.
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Not getting the girls like Salem does, I’d kinda like to hear all about those dates you mentioned!! When will those posts be made?
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For you Suki, I will come up with a dating book!
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Yay!!!! Do it!
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I am still laughing that you have a 90-minute butt. I plan to remember that if we ever meet again. Will set the timer so as not to over-stay our welcome.
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As I remember you set the clock at 60 minutes — no food, no drinks. 🙂
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I’m going to up it to 90 minutes!
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I hate a conversation where it is like pulling teeth (and where in the world did that expression ever come from to mean a stilted conversation). The six of us who were inseparable in high school got together for a five-year reunion and could not fill up an entire evening as we had nothing in common. That will always amaze me. I don’t have trouble striking up a conversation but I really like my alone time, especially whenever I’m walking – even when walking just in the ‘hood.
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Since I’m retired and spent enough time alone I enjoy good conversations, just not for hours on end! I also enjoy my own company. I rarely argue with myself.
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It was always quiet here as it was just my mom and I, and we never had people dropping by, so you just get accustomed to the peace and quiet.
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My mom was more outgoing and we had people stopping by a lot. Back then visitors stayed for an hour or so and left. More than that and I’m exhausted.
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Oh, please share that retro dating post. I would LOVE to read it!
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I’ll have to work on it!
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I’m part of a tribe that skews extro, but I learned long ago to watch out for the intros— their observations can be razor sharp to the point of hurting. Looking forward to that dating post someday. 😏. – Marty
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Absolutely — the best barb of the day was delivered by the most intro of the intros! Quick and razor sharp! I should work on a dating post. It’s been a long time since those days but there were some memorable moments.
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Boy, I hear you. I am happy at first in fun situations, then suddenly it wears on me, and I have to GET AWAY. Maybe that’s why my grandfather was notorious for saying in the middle of any gathering, “Come on, Edna, time to go,” LONG before anybody else thought of leaving.
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That is a hallmark — happy, then sick of it all. Your grandfather was a hoot!
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He was a real character!
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I can ACT extroverted at parties . . . especially if I’m drinking. Cheers!
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I can too if it’s people I like.
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I don’t know where I am these days Kate. I like quiet times and happy to sit on the sidelines and people watch or listen in on conversations. We have a lot of variety going on just now, and a lot of laughter too. It will be interesting to see what the topics are Saturday night when I’m being treated by the darts team to a Christmas dinner.
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You seem the very friendly sort. I laugh when I read about you greeting all the dogs on your walks. I used to do that too. Never knew the people’s names but I knew the dogs’ names.
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Likewise, and what’s worse, I don’t recognise them without their dogs!!!! I met up with three little ones today ad they were all vying for a hand to stroke them.
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Me too. One time I met up with a guy at a party and said, “You have the wire haired terriers!” He laughed.
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Sounds very much like me Kate!
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Another introvert here. I can be more outgoing but it is exhausting! When I worked (hairdresser and then sales) I had to be “charming”. That was difficult but I muddled through it. Glad those days are done.
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I would love an introverted hairdresser! Most chatter on and on about stuff I don’t care about. I like to zen out during a haircut.
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It was wonderful to have a client in the chair who just wanted her hair done without any drama or entertainment.
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I’m your girl!
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I think there are far more of us than we think. It’s just that “them others” are the ones we hear about!
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I think you are right!
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🙂
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I think I have more like a 60 minute butt. Introvert all the way. Good thing my hubby is an extrovert. I rely on him so I don’t look too anti-social.
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A good friend introduced me to the 90 minute butt only her butt is 60 minutes. It’s good to own it up front then no ones takes it personally!
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Definitely an introvert here… although, like you, I learned to fake it while working. I guess that’s a good skill to have since every once in a while I need to venture out among the throngs. I do admire extroverts though (at least the ones who aren’t obnoxious), they keep the conversation going and provide needed entertainment. You are right about the 90-minute rules, that’s about when my butt and my brain need to go home.
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I always have to balanced out my parties with some extroverts. Can’t imagine a party with all intros. May be boring.
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Sometimes I’m better at being in a group than others. Not sure what makes the difference, it can be different even if the people are the same.
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Sometimes it’s the mood you are in. I’ve experienced this too. Sometimes it’s not me but someone else is off and changes the dynamics of the group.
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That’s the only answer I come up with too. My mood and dynamics. It frustrates me sometimes if I’m off in a group of familiar people.
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I hate when it happens at an event I have been excited about.
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Yes, that’s also frustrating.
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I’m Italian, so everyone is an extra extrovert. Loud, deep conversations, which outsiders have mistaken for arguments, but it’s just the way we talk (with the added hand animation).
On the other hand, there are times when I’m quiet in places where I don’t feel I fit in. I tried chiming in on conversations with the husband’s side, but the small-talk there was maddening to me. I couldn’t take the fluffy marshmallow, rose-colored-glasses talk for 30 years, so I sat back and watched. They laughed on occasion, but I didn’t get it.
I took the introvert-extrovert test, and I landed smack dab in the middle. I’m both, or neither. 🤷♀️
On the upside of your situation, watching the extroverts at your gathering was probably more entertaining than television. Hope you had some nice kitty cuddles when you got home.
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I am not an extreme but close to center veering to the intro side. When we are with family, it’s easier than in other groups. On the Myers Briggs test (we used them at work) I was an extrovert. I had to be there and surprisingly I loved my work. Sometimes it’s like theater!
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INTJ here. What is your type? I have gotten more introverted as I’ve gotten older. Although my oldest daughter was engaged to an extrovert, she saw the light and broke the engagement. All the other kids seek out fellow introverts – YAY! When the family gets together, we play cards or games to keep the shallow chitchat to a minimum. And we keep the time together to a safe and pleasant span. It keeps all the introverts happy.
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ENTP here. I too haven gotten more introverted as I aged. Retirement has been good for me. No daily conflict. I’ve come to love the peace. Some people who retired from my line of work (human resources) have to seek out the people action they miss but not me.
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Luckily, I have a job where I get to deal with people one-on-one or through letters and calls. Otherwise, I sit in my private office and analyze all day. It is perfect for me. It’s nice that blogging provides a way for us to become friends!
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My husband and brother-in-law are entertained repeatedly at family events/ battles. But eventually they disappear (with beer) to the TV room.
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Yep I’d be with Andy with a beer.
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I think I am just a vert! I avoid large gatherings, but don’t mind crowds. I like one-on-one chats, but only if they are constructive otherwise I try and extricate myself. I love time with me! I hate pretense, image, banal small talk. The thing is, my time is very important to me and so wasting it really erks me! If you want me at your next gathering, you’d better send me a copy of the guest list, with some brief guest overviews, first. 🙂
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I love that! I’m going to request guest lists going forward. I’m a lot like you. I’ve extricated myself from those activities that I don’t enjoy.
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Ditto on the “had to be extro” for many years with my jobs – I found it exhausting. I enjoy one on one or even a mini-group (3-4) but that’s about the extent of my social side. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I just might be a 90-minute-butt girl too which – coincidentally – is about the max on my “so Honey how long do we HAVE to stay here????” timer.
Hugs, Pam
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Even when I worked I avoided the big lunches especially if they were at a restaurant. Too long. Now if there are more than 6, I don’t hear. I’m fortunate that except for a very few instances, my husband is ready to leave before me. If there is a football game on, all bets are off.
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Another introvert here, but I love one on one time with people. I can fake it, but it’s so exhausting and I often end up with a migraine. I agree with Pix! She even sent me a Thanksgiving card!
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I love small groups and one-on-one. Better connections! Pix is great. We have a lot in common so she has offered a lot of support.
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*blush*
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Definitely an introvert here with the ability to fake extro for a very short time. Better with a one on one conversation or an outing or visit with another couple that we are comfortable with. My family all gone or I’m just not up to finding them. SSNS family… I can do without them or very short conversation.I have found that the people that are really here for me are the people I have met through blogging. And that is the truth!
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I am closer to some bloggers than to people I know. More communication and bloggers are willing to open up so I know who they are.
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Thank you for the card, Pix! I sent a TY through my phone, but I don’t know if it went through. I appreciate you thinking of me!
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You are welcome, Jill. Had to keep in touch with you as you take your blog break till after the holidays! I did get the thank you 🙂
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That’s so sweet…thank you! I loved the card! ❤
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Fellow introvert here, although I can fake it (extroversion) well enough. I can enjoy being around most people – to a point – but always need alone time to recover, no matter how much I enjoyed peopling. 90 minute butt? I never thought to time mine…something to monitor. Thanks Kate!
Deb
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I can fake it too. My job taught me that but it’s exhausting.
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you are welcome… we can talk about this and that or we just drink our wine or tea and after the 90 minutes you can take a sofa for a nap in front of TV… that are my kind of parties now ;O)
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Napping with a weim! That’s the best!
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