It’s done!

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Yesterday I had my procedure. In full disclosure I had a colonoscopy with some nip and tuck going on in there. Everyone should have one of these. No really! You should. I highly recommend them if you want to wipe a few days out of your life.

I’ve had a lot of them. IBS issues for a lot of decades equals a lot of procedures but I’ll never get used to them. It’s so intrusive. It’s in a “no touchy” zone.

The procedure itself isn’t the issue it’s the massive nuclear clean-out prior that’s the problem. For some reason food put into my mouth comes out the other end like battery acid. Add a laxative inducing agent (which I never need on my own) and it’s a lot like jet rockets coming out your “no touchy” part.

I’ve always been a fast cleaner outer. I don’t need and have never taken (and yes I tell the docs that) all the prep they give me. I’m not advocating this because some people need it. I watched the beloved husband go through it. Same stuff. I think he went to the bathroom in a civilized fashion 4 or 5 times. I, on the other hand, perch on the throne for hours on end spitting and spurting molten lava from the “no touchy” part.

I don’t suggest sitting there. Whoever designed toilet seats, did not design them for lengthy stays. You get leg cramps and cold cheeks.

The good news is that since you’ve been starving yourself it doesn’t smell. All the cats joined me for a festive pity party. The room was quite crowded as I had some axle grease to sooth the “hurty” part, towels just in case and a pallet of Clorox wipes (no not for my butt but to make the bathroom presentable afterward). It was either Clorox everything or I’d have to sell the house to some unsuspecting buyer without disclosing the toxic waste area.

They gave me a new prep. I didn’t know exactly how to cheat on it because it was in two parts. It was way too strong. I got very dehydrated and wasn’t sure if I would make it to the procedure but after all the time I put in I powered through. Barely. The beloved husband had to “usher” me in as I couldn’t exactly walk on my own.

The procedure itself was easy (thank you happy juice!) and I’m sitting here the next day without any discomfort.

This is such an easy topic to write about. Here is a link to my other colonoscopy post from several years ago.  The topic lends itself to humor (as long as I’m not the patient!) but the best colonoscopy story was done by Dave Barry. Here is the link. If you need a good laugh, click on it but be sure you are not drinking anything. It will fly out your nose!

92 thoughts on “It’s done!”

  1. I’ve had this done twice, I have IBD. Both times they were unable to go all the way through because I was dying from the pain. They say if you are small and thin, the bowels move a lot or something, and it’s more difficult and painful. To me it’s like having a saber stuck in and turned around in there.. I’m sure that delivering a baby can’t be more painful than that. I’m glad yours was easier, and that you’re able to joke about it too. 🙂
    Interesting that my first comment on your blog was about my colonoscopies. 😀 But that was the first post my eyes landed on!

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  2. There’s nothing pleasant about a colonoscopy in my experience, but it is a part of our health maintenance routine and I suppose in my mind there are plenty of medical procedures I dread. I am glad you are doing what you must to take care of yourself.

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  3. you are a valiant soul to 1) endure it and 2) make it funny for us! The prep liquid made me wretch which is especially fun when you’re perched on the throne. But, on a happy note, afterwards? the. best. sleep. of. my. adult. life. *Hubbs might have thought I was dead………… oh mylanta that sleep.

    Hope all is OK & thanks for the giggles!

    -MJ

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  5. Young children are carefully taught in school and at home about the private places they should keep hidden and private. And then as adults, especially older adults, we have to learn that doctors can do all manner of unpleasant things to our even more private places. Thanks for the humor.

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  9. Glad to hear everything came out okay! I’ve had three colonoscopies since I was 40 (I had bleeding which turned out to be from hemorrhoids). They found a polyp during the last procedure and, although it was benign, it was of a type that requires another procedure in five years. We’ll see about that 😉 While I enjoy the happy drugs they give me, they’re not worth going through the prep. Actually, I can’t imagine anything that would be worth going the prep!

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    • I’ll see what the lab report says. He was talking either 5 or 10 years. This was the first polyp in all those decades! There has to be a better way. After the first one, I’ve never taken all the prep. I’m a small person (who hopefully is full of less poop) and I have no issues going on my own. Even taking half a dose is awful. This last stuff I got did not give me cramping so I was grateful for that. Wouldn’t it be great if they could vacuum you out while you were under the happy juice?

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  10. Glad all went well and you are recuperating well, Kate. Funny post. SSNS had a colonoscopy Monday and we are leaving soon for a prostate biopsy this morning. I did the Cologuard in September and it came back negative. I think a colonoscopy would be the better option but I had some issues. Keep taking it easy and I hope you don’t have any soreness.

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    • Cologuard has a high rate of accuracy. A few of my friends have taken it. One had to move forward with a colonoscopy because of a positive result. She had polyps previously but this time was good. The clean-out was hard on my body (and I won’t even go into my self esteem!)

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  11. Due to some ‘experiences’ in my childhood, I have yet to gather up the courage for this procedure, and I don’t care how much “prodding” my doctor gives me about it. I commend you for finding the humor in your experience!

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  15. A very witty post, Kate. And an important one. You may never know whether you have prolonged someone’s life, bringing attention to the “no touchy” zone. The Clorox part really did me in. Huge lol. Then Dave Barry did me in. I like his accurate version of the metric system and the future food. I am not part of the colonoscopy club. I don’t know what the health or age guidelines are where we live. It will now be in my radar, thanks to you, Kate.

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    • I’ve been having them a long time because I have GI issues but I think our guideline is the first one at 50 and then every 10 years. Cologuard (mail in option) is very popular and has a high rate of accuracy. If could, I would have done that instead. I have so many favorite parts of the Dave Barry column — future food, 17000′ instrument, spurting on the doc (a real worry!). He nails the experience and it’s all about the prep. As you get older it definitely gets harder. I used to bounce back and be fine the next day. This time I was still very tired. It’s over now.

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  16. Good luck on the biopsy results Kate – I have never had a colonoscopy but know that I should, as much as I know I should have a complete physical. The last one I had, including a treadmill test and holter monitor, was when I turned 40 – that is because heart disease runs in the family (my maternal grandmother and her 8 siblings all died from heart disease, one at 18 and my mom had an irregular heartbeat). Well you were brave and deserve treats now!

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  17. I’m glad that it all worked well for you, Kate, and that your sense of humour remained unharmed.
    I’ve had two colonoscopies. My first in Canada, and my second one in China. The Chinese version brought it to a whole new level. Years of therapy, I’m still not over it! 🙂

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  18. OMG Kate! I’m so glad it went OK, but sorry it had to happen! I had my first one a couple years ago, and am good for another 8 years. Thanks for the link to the Dave Barry essay – you and he both somehow make colonoscopies funny 🙂

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  19. I hope everything came out all right….with the results I mean. 😉

    I had the one when I turned 50. I ended up with pain afterward and was concerned they ripped the intestine. I mean major pain. I called the doctor after hours because it wouldn’t go away. He said that my intestines were very small and he had to stretch them out to get in. Ack. So they were sore from being stretched. I wished he would’ve told me that before I left, because I was panicking.

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  21. Good news is great. All’s well that end’s well, but don’t you hate going through any medical procedure? I had a bad reaction to the laxatives I was given the first time I had a colonoscopy. Long story short, the doc couldn’t finish the procedure so I had to re-do all the prep one month later with different meds that I could tolerate. Good times…

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  22. Ugh…had three of those in my lifetime, and the first was probably 30 years ago, and they didn’t knock me out for that one. Very miserable. The other two I’ve had were under general anesthesia, thank you! The prep is the worst. Hope you’re recovering.

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  23. That two part prep is for the birds. I always start the first dose earlier than instructed and then do part two later that night, so I can get a good night of sleep. I’ve been having a yearly colonoscopy for over 30 years…the prep is the worst, but really, the more you do it, the easier it gets. I have a lot of tips to make it more tolerable. Glad it’s over for you, Kate. Mine is coming up after the first of the year.

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    • I almost reached out to you. This was my fifth but my last one was not so good. Not only was the prep worse than usual but I was untypically sore (and they didn’t remove anything) for 2 weeks. I suspect that the doc bruised something. This time I didn’t need the second bottle. Doing the one bottle closer to the time would have been sufficient. My anxiety cleaned me out. My apt was 2:30 p.m. I’ll never do that again. I waited all day. There was no sleep during the night and none during the day of either. Exhausting. I have collected some tricks but I bet you have more than I do. The good news is that it’s the next day and I don’t have any discomfort at all (and they took biopsies and removed a polyp).

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      • I’m sorry to hear your last one was difficult, but glad this one was easier. One thing I’ve learned is the earlier you can get the appointment the better. I keep hoping that one day they’ll come up with a different method of screening. Several years ago, my poor mother had a terrible reaction to the prep and almost went into cardiac arrest. It was so scary. She does the mail away method now…not fun for my father as she’s not capable of handling it herself. Never hesitate to reach out.

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  26. Only you could make such an awful procedure fun to read. So glad you got through it… and it’s over. May you have to do this again, never. I was told last year when I had one that I’d need to have another one within three years “just to make sure.” The good receptionists even made the appointment, which amused me. Somewhere on my phone’s calendar I have an appointment in 2022. Rest well, Kate! – Marty

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  27. Yay on the good news! You had me cracking up! I feel your pain. I had to get one done years ago and yes there is nothing to the test. I am knocked out with happy juice easily! But I too could barely walk after all my prep was done!
    It’s like when they tell you to drink 36 ounces for a ultrasound so that you have a full bladder. Not me! My bladder quickly gets full on half of that!
    How nice for your cats to give you company! 🙂

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  28. Glad to hear everything went OK, Kate! I’ve had to endure that prep part for a hysterectomy. The surgeon obviously felt he needed to point a flashlight in my mouth and have it shine out the other (no touchy part) end unobstructed, before surgery could take place. And I can attest to the fact it was successful. Within an hour of drinking the evil medicine, my stomach blew up to about 7 months pregnant and I became the queen of my white porcelain throne for the next 12 hours. I had nothing left to give, yet give I still did, right up to the point that they strapped me to the table to put me out. I must have been dehydrated too.

    Sooooo – looks like I can expect a repeat performance once I enter the colonoscopy zone…still a few years off I think. I am still able to get away with the at-home, mail-in poop test, for now! I’ve read that Dave Barry piece years ago but I think I’ll read it again, sans drink. Thanks Kate!

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    • I had my choice of doing the mail in test this time as they have never found anything but they dangled a biopsy that might show something treatable for my symptoms. You can only get a biopsy from there through a colonoscopy. I know. I asked. The doc just laughed and laughed! I had an x-ray and ultrasound done on my cat’s abdomen. They can see a lot through that. We need more non-invasive testing.

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  29. My family has what’s known as a vasovagal response to certain stimuli, like blood, pain, other people in pain, etc. We get lightheaded, throw up, and/ or pass out. (Actually, the passing out is common. The throwing up appears to just be me. Yay.)

    Recently learned that because the vagus nerve runs along the digestive tract, it is not uncommon to also have a vasovagal response to painful swallowing issues or abdominal pain (such as that which occurs with battery acid diarrhea). Which explains how I wind up on the floor of the bathroom covered in cold sweat at supremely inopportune times.

    Not remotely looking forward to any colonoscopies lurking in my future.

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    • I didn’t know that. I have a guy friend who passes out at the sight of blood. Anyone’s blood. It’s automatic and hilarious (at least to me!). I get the cold sweats too. Sometimes I beg God to take me (and I’m not a religious person). Hopefully you will one of the lucky ones that can get by with Cologuard.

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  30. Glad all is well in your touchy zone and innards in general! I absolutely HATE the prep too – I can deal with the rest of it but the prep – GIVEMEABREAK. Has to be an easier way – like hosing you out thoroughly somehow just before the procedure perhaps?? Anyway, thanks for the giggle – the last few times my doc said the word “colonoscopy” and I made THE FACE, he said that I was OK to skip it for now……in my book “now” means FOREVER. HA

    Hugs, Pam

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  31. One of the more indelicate rites of getting old. I know all about that “spurting molten lava” from mine. Talk about miserable. The only nice thing I can say is it’s done and hopefully will remain just a memory for a long, long time. P.S. That Dave Barry piece is. just. rich. 🙃

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  32. Glad to know all is good Kate. Hubby had one of these and within minutes was on the loo with a crossword book. Walking more than a few steps proved hazardous to his upright position and breaking wind was touch and go as well as being exceedingly brave.

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