Personal observations on “me too”

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As a blogger I stay away from controversial topics. This time I couldn’t.

As a former human resources executive and a practicing female, I have seen a lot of sexual harassment. In many forms. Some valid and some not.

I have counseled women ranging from saying no to a date request from a co-worker to someone who was date raped by a friend she knew and everything in between.

I was conflicted when Bill Cosby was accused. I loved his public persona. His nightclub act was family oriented. It wasn’t comprised of foul language and sexual innuendos. How could this be? How could he do those horrible things? Was the woman complicit? I was a Cosby defender longer than I should have been. Then came the procession of accusers. Very sobering.

How do you wade through accusations? It’s always his word against hers. How do you get to the truth?

For a good interviewer it doesn’t take long to find out if there is an element of truth to it. Fake stories fall apart. True ones don’t. The toughest part is validation — getting others who know something to corroborate. Especially men. They are not snitches. All of a sudden their memory goes dark. Bad frat boys become saint-like.

I’ll talk about three specific cases.

There was the woman who was date raped by someone she thought was a friend. No means no. She did not go to authorities. She was so embarrassed and blamed herself. She had voluntarily gone out with him. Would that be used against her? Would she be believed? She didn’t want to get looked at, talked about and judged. She didn’t want a stigma that would follow her. A letter A on her chest. An outcast.

The perpetrator was never called on it. Ever. He got to go on with life while she was much more fearful. It wasn’t a case of someone stealing her lunch money. This was the most private invasion possible. How do you trust again? It takes a long time and a lot of inner strength. Some never get over it. It affects relationships for years. It alters behavior.

Will she ever go to the authorities? I doubt it. It was a long time ago and there were no collaborators.

Women don’t go to the authorities. Unlike other crimes where the victim receives support, sex crimes come back like a boomerang. Were they complicit? Come on, it was a one-time thing, just get over it. Her reputation is skewered and her sex life examined under a microscope. Every guy she ever dated is reviewed despite the irrelevance. Why is she ruining him? He’s a good guy (seriously?).

As I found out while in denial with Bill Cosby, guys don’t do this just once. They have a trail of victims who don’t know about each other.

Before I worked in HR, a good friend of mine received a big promotion. Prestigious job. Good money. All went well until her marriage fell apart. It was a hard time and perhaps she looked vulnerable. After the divorce, her (married) boss started coming around like a moth to a flame. Like a fly to poop. Leaning over, being solicitous,bumping, touchy-touchy. She was alarmed. Reporting him would certainly affect her position. He may get “the talk” but for sure she would be moved to another department and lose her position. The woman always took the brunt of those things.

Sometime later another co-worker asked me how my friend liked her job. She told me that her sister worked for him and he was a leech. He was always pawing her so she transferred out. It was widely known but not acted on much like the problem with priests. This was in the 80’s so it wasn’t in medieval times. Not much has changed.

As for the “why didn’t they say something back then” question. I was groped by a carnival worker at a fair disembarking from a ferris wheel when I was eleven. (BTW I didn’t have boobs then!) I was so humiliated I didn’t tell my mother. I became stand offish around people. I twisted and turned whenever it looked like someone was coming toward me. (I was eleven!) It took me a long time to trust a hug. I remember that experience vividly and it was over 50 years ago. (Yet I never told my mother. I never talked about it to anyone.)

When I hear another accusation, my heart goes out. It takes a lot of strength to talk about it and a lot more strength to go public. You may as well put a bull’s eye target on your back. Expect people to become judgmental even when they don’t know the facts. Especially when they don’t know the facts. Especially when they haven’t experienced it and have no idea what it’s like.

As a society we need to teach respect for all women. It’s not hard. Most men are good people. I married one of the best.

Perpetrators need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Their parents need to stop paying people off. It comes out in the end and it’s not pretty.

 

 

 

104 thoughts on “Personal observations on “me too””

  1. At one conference where we had a products booth, I told one of the home office young girls she could go to the opening session and hear Crosby speak if she wanted. Her face went pale – and she then told me of an encounter with him on the commuter train between NYC and Philly, our home office. She’s a tiny thing – a new mom at that time – and from Spain. Appalling. I was so glad he finally got nailed by the law. What a double life. And such a lie for outward appearance.
    Most of us who have had careers in male dominated fields had had to deal with old coots, bosses who want to cross the line and unwanted advancements – then there are the incidents when you are pretty young. It takes a strong person to stand up to them – to leave a job if you can sense dangerous potential. Sometimes no matter what you do, it’s not enough. Unwanted encounters do make you very wary and difficult to let your guard down and trust anyone again. So not fair.
    I would like to think things have changed since the “I am Woman” years, but tend to be pessimistic – or realistic. Pretty sad about it all , too.
    I’ve worked with those who have stalkers (similar response from authorities) and battered women. The law really doesn’t want to get involved with either – because it’s hard and many of the cops think it was somehow deserved or encouraged. Women die waving restraining orders in the face of their attackers.
    I feel so sorry for Dr Ford that this whole thing is playing out so publicly. She is very fragile. She was very young and frightened when she got in over her head – she’s lucky it wasn’t worse. And I don’t think the people she counted on to protect her now did their job well. Hopefully her family will keep close watch on her. It’s a brutal experience. She is dangerously fragile.
    It’s a lose-lose situation.
    At least with Bill Clinton, there was actual physical evidence of a powerful boss taking advantage of a young girl / there was actual body fluid exchanged- and “sex” was redefined (much to the joy of boys/men from 5th grade up – “Hey the Prez. said it was OK-not sex!”.) Moms of daughters shook their heads in disbelief and worried how to teach intimacy, relationships, and appropriateness.
    How do those with a history of sexual misbehavior even now keep getting re-elected – how do they keep their job in Congress? Seriously. Isn’t there some morality clause they can use to kick these guys out?
    I don’t know how this will end up.
    We’ve got to do better to protect the vulnerable – and somehow must get it across to the young – many of whom are not religious or afraid of going to hell, not afraid of getting caught or going to jail – and not afraid of the law at all. See no reason to be considerate or not harm another living thing. And if a family member tries to “correct”/punish them, the attacker suddenly becomes a victim and can sue.
    Wearing shirts that say “Men are trash” is not helping in my opinion, but not sure what will.
    Sigh.

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    • Thanks for your very thoughtful comment. On a related but slightly different topic, I read a story about a custody fight. The mother pleaded with the judge for at least supervised visits for the father but in his extreme wisdom he decreed the father should have unsupervised visits. To get even with his ex-wife, the father killed his daughter (under 10 years old). When I worked we had PFA’s on file and our security screened visitors against the list. Those don’t do crap against a gun though. What is so disappointing is that the kids (adults now) raised by our generation (which we thought was more evolved) don’t seem very different. I did like the pussy hats. Maybe I like ears.

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      • Those hats were cute! Women can be beautiful and intelligent – maybe work on how to demonstrate the brainy side effectively – with the hats. (If only Marilyn had lived – she was working on that…)
        I know in HR you saw a lot of stuff many are unaware of.
        I remember that case or one very much like that (there are far too many I think). And another news story of a pretty young mom who finally got the nerve to run, killed by one who wouldn’t let her go.
        Until we can get between the ears of everyone that life is sacred/valuable/not yours to take away, and that all individuals must respect/leave alone others – until them it’s going to be a rough ride.
        Despite supposedly being a country of laws, life is pretty unsettled right now.
        You are right about being :”enlightened” and evolved…or maybe we just read the definitions incorrectly
        Sigh.

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          • That was near you guys?
            IN ancient times when I was little and sometimes there would be news footage of bombings in Israel/Ireland/ Middle East, dad would say, “that’s there. It doesn’t happen here because we are a country of laws and a process to change/adjust the government and those in charge if necessary. That seems so long ago. Well, some always wanted us to be more like Europe.

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            • Yes, about 2 miles from us in the downtown of our city. We’ve had an explosion of gangs in the past 2 decades and when they get angry they kill. Police think the perpetrator was also killed. FBI is involved. This stuff never happened in small cities. Our city has gone through a renovation and people are moving into high rent apartments down town so you can be sure the policy will be all over it. The gangs just move to the ‘burbs.

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              • Yep, there started being drive by gang shootings (10 years ago) in our old suburb (which we moved to to get away from city crime in the 80’s) and now that lovey tree lined area with nice yards is now the war zone that’s on the news nightly. I think we saw the gang rise earlier as we’re nearer the border and Houston is a very large city. One reason malls and parking lots are warily approached year round here…Amazon is reaping the rewards of lack of law enforcement and accepting excuses for unacceptable public behavior and explosion of crimes.
                Funny growing up, gangs were legends about NYC and poor northern cities – West Side Story style. It was in movies and books.
                Sorry the turf wars, territory dominance battles, and organized group anger over slights has spread your way.

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  2. Pingback: Random 5 for September 30 – Wrap-up, carpet update, deer, sunshine, bloggers | Views and Mews by Coffee Kat

  3. Whatever happens, it will ruin his accusers’ lives and Kavanaugh will likely be a Supreme Court Justice anyway. And even if by some miracle he’s not confirmed, he will continue on with is career, fully enjoying all the benefits of both his privilege and the extra notoriety these hearings brought. He will slide along just fine. Probably reap some benefit from it.

    His accusers will suffer a long time. There is not one upside for them. But all too many men will all think their fate is deserved. They will say “After all, she deserved it. She was asking for it.”

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  4. I’m sorry you had the experience you did, Kate, especially at such a young age. With a wife and three daughters this has always been a sensitive topic for me. Like you, I worked in HR many years and have seen and heard too many stories. I often wonder if the women in my life have had to endure any of this behavior and have kept it to themselves. Then again, if they did, they might have thought twice about mentioning it to me, knowing I could never sit on my hands or be passive about it. I don’t have a lot of faith in the justice system, though they got it right with Cosby.
    What’s gone over the last year has been a long time coming. Disgusting and an indictment of our society that it’s gone in for so many years and in every area of our lives.
    This is a sensitive topic on so many levels and I wondered, as I was watching testimony in DC this past week, how many of the male senators on both sides of the aisle making passionate speeches have been guilty of disrespect, or worse, toward women.
    To think otherwise would be naive. It’s hard to believe or respect anyone at face value these days.

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    • Thanks for your comment. I suspect that in that group of old men who grew up in a different time, there were offenders. I remember that Ted Kennedy was on the committee for the Anita Hill hearings and there was discussion about that. I have been most surprised at the women who support him (all “hims,” including Cosby), not wanting the man to lose anything while millions of women have had their lives and professional careers altered. There must be research on it somewhere. Humans are confusing animals.

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  5. I’m so glad you took on this topic, Kate. I completely understand why women stay silent and don’t report — it is NOT rocket science. And yet, people like Trump and Tucker Carlson perpetuate this myth that it’s not hard to do so.

    Dr. Ford spoke eloquently the other day at the hearing on her reasons for not reporting this earlier. For some people this is apparently very hard to understand. I find that horrifically sad. – Marty

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  6. Powerful post.

    I remember being surprised that I was invited to a retirement party for an executive I barely knew or had interacted with- I was about 27 at the time & a little naive.

    That night, one of the (ancient) executive pals, in his toast to the retiree, joked about inviting “pretty girls like ___ so we all have something nice to look at.” Their wives looked horrified, most of the men laughed, and I can still feel the rage from being reduced to “something.”

    Not all men are creeps, but those who are ruin it for the good guys. And yes, I’m sad that the women are often the least likely to believe other women.

    These past few days (hearings) have been painful to watch, on all fronts. I feel like we’re back in the days of the Romans, Christians being fed to the Lions, and the crowd is cheering on the Lions .. oy

    MJ

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    • It’s been a stressful and painful week. I think the lions will win. Right or wrong prep boys stick together. I remember those old geezers at work when I first started. They thought they were so cool with their sexist jokes. I also hated to be called “girlie” or “pretty one.”

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  7. Your experiences add a lot of weight to your perspective and I am glad you shared so eloquently, Kate. I can hardly believe there would be any woman who hasn’t at least observed sexual harassment, if not towards themselves, then a friend. I definitely understand how it is that women are reluctant to report abuse. I know we don’t want to delve too deeply into the politics of the day, but aren’t we living in times when this topic is a “mixed bag!” The Me Too era is giving women a stronger, more united voice, but then we have to still contend with power than won’t listen. It is wearying to me!

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  8. Powerful post, Kate.

    Even as Cosby is going behind bars, another woman is fighting to be believed in front of a Senate Judiciary Committee. Sadly, women are still the ones who end up ‘on trial’. There are too many women who have buried their pain and their shame for fear of not being believed. Or worse, being accused of somehow ‘asking for it’ and ‘deserving what they got’. We really haven’t come so far, have we?

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  10. Thank you so much for writing this – it is an important topic and you have a good perspective on it! You make some excellent points. Sadly there isn’t a quick or easy fix – societal changes take a long time and don’t happen evenly or easily. We just have to keep plugging away and doing what we can to make change happen!

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  11. I am glad you spoke out about “me too” Kate. As an H.R. exec, you certainly got to see issues firsthand. Having worked for a labor and employment attorney on the management side for 18 years, I have seen some doozies that forced us to have to immediately retool a client’s harassment policies, rules and regs in the workplace and ghost-write letters of termination or releases. Many of them are happening aboard freighters … and only one in all these years involved the presence of a female on board. It was not just boys being boys, but downright harassment. But, in the many documents we’ve churned out about who touched who, or leaned too close, or threatened termination if the “advances” were not reciprocated, each one has made me cringe to think that a male in a workplace setting seems to think he has the “right” to say or do as he feels and a woman is powerless. I am glad people are speaking up. Surprisingly, this morning I heard a sound bite of one of Cosby’s accusers who said she saw him with his suit jacket off, his hands cuffed, shuffling down the hall, a sad-looking old man headed to jail and she felt a momentary sadness and pitying of him. That would not be the feeling I would have. The courtroom door could not hit him quickly enough on his backside as he departed is how I would feel. The people who decried it was a “racist thing” have got it all wrong … Harvey should get his due as well. It does not matter what color you are … “no” means “no” … maybe this first big-name trial in the “me too” movement will teach the rest of them.

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    • Unfortunately I am not as optimistic as you are. I hoped that the children my generation raised would be more sensitive to those issues but I’m not seeing it. It’s about power. I bet you could write a book on your experiences. I know I could.

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      • When I read the comments on Twitter, or in new stories about trending topics, it makes me both angry and sad. I am listening to the hearing today while here at work. I hope for all the trauma this poor woman has gone through, her statements have made an impact on the final decision. The pain in her voice and the trembling; that’s not made-up theatrics and I believe it is very real. I am going to be interested in what Kavanaugh has to say. My boss is traveling today and likely will call to chat just at his crucial testimony, though I suspect the hearing will be available later today on YouTube or news stations. I heard this morning that the people streaming this hearing at work will be akin to March Madness. All the people who have been outed lately – what becomes of them? Matt Lauer has just escaped from the media and limelight and has enough money to be a recluse the rest of his life should he desire to do so – hopefully, if he decides to emerge from his hidey-hole, he does not embrace celebrity or power again. The same with the CBS execs. You are right about me writing a book about what documents and transcriptions of interviews I’ve done about the victims of harassment through the years.

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  12. Thank you Kate for speaking out against such an important topic. So sorry about your incident at the carnival, its just so wrong!
    There is so much I could say about this for it strikes so close to home.

    When I shared on my blog about this subject I didn’t go into my daughter’s experience, but I will share a little more on here. It was a close family friend which just seems to cut even deeper, for this was someone who should have had the best interest of my children at heart! Someone who had gained so much trust.
    I am so very proud of my daughter for coming forward, but I can totally understand why others don’t and why it took my daughter several years of abuse unfortunately until she did come forward.
    There is such shame that they feel and my daughter knew that me and his wife were good friends, she knew the pain that coming forward would cause to so many people.

    So incredibly hard and I hate that she was put in that position but to see how she has blossomed since coming forward has been so rewarding! Yes, there has been unfair judgment and yes we have lost some friends who want to believe that he would have never done something like that, but we have been blessed with many more supportive friends and family.

    One thing, trust me there was a lot more, that got me in the courtroom was how his lawyer kept bringing up his clean record, what a good citizen he had been! He had played Santa Clause and Easter Bunny in the community for so many years. You now how sick it makes me feel to think of all the young children who have sat on his lap!

    Yes, going through court is hell! Having to recount your story again and again and again for your lawyer and the other lawyer,etc. is awful! I wanted to be able to witness for my daughter instead of her having too, but obviously I couldn’t. It is horrible and to go through it thinking that there is only a slim chance that you will actually win the case is beyond stressful! Why does anyone want put themselves through it. Fortunately we had a wonderful, caring lawyer and he kept repeating to my daughter, that by her coming forward she was saving others from being victims. That’s what motivated her and that’s the message we have to get out there! For sadly predators don’t usually stop with only 1 victim.

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    • I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that. She is a brave person and has saved others. They don’t stop at 1. I’m always saddened when people who “like” a person make excuses for them but at the end of the day, your true friends remain. Hugs.

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      • Thanks Kate. You are so right about your last line. A close friend of mine had told me the same thing about our true friends remaining. They did and I couldn’t;be more thankful!!

        It is sad how people will let themselves be deceived just because they don’t wan to deal with the truth. Instead like you said they keep making “excuses”. I have been told that my daughter’s perpetrator just made some “mistakes”! Seriously!! ?? Their definition of mistake and mine apparently are different!

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  13. I was 17–snatched off the street walking home–crying–from a beach dance. My ex-boyfriend told me to meet him after the dance–turned out his new girlfriend waited in his car while he told me not to show up where he was and look at him like that (broken). I was about three blocks from home–three older guys in a car–the leader grabbed me and dragged me into the back seat. I fought and screamed–he beat my head against the big door handle (older car) until I blacked out (two concussions, two contusions, earring ripped through my earlobe). He told me they were going to kill me. I believed him. They kept the car moving–leader guy raped me. Let me get dressed and then he made the second guy get in the back. They let me get dressed again. Cat and mouse. Driving and driving. Dark. Woods. Leader kept telling me I would be dead soon.

    I didn’t realize sex had nothing to do with love–thinking I was going to die anyways–I started talking. About how I knew what it felt like to feel unloved and like nobody cares whether you live or die and how the world looks like such a black place sometimes…about how you can’t take love from somebody…can’t make somebody love you… I don’t remember all I talked about, but I spoke from the heart. I had never been that close to such hate, anger, and emptiness of soul. I didn’t honestly think anyone was going to miss me after they killed me, anyways, so I had nothing to lose. I may as well speak my truth before I go. I know I talked about how I still loved this world, regardless, and believed in the goodness of people…I’m not sure what else. The leader suddenly screamed at me to shut up–(was surprised he listened for so long as he drove and I talked huddled against the back door)–as he turned up the music really loud.

    I knew that was all I was going to be able to say, but it did feel good…like a weight lifted…like I had done my best as a human being…the end. At least I had tried to connect with these miserable, lost souls before I left this earth.

    The leader was trying to get the last guy in the passenger seat to take his turn. I watched that sandy-haired guy shake his head no…and the leader slugging him as hard as he could with his one free arm–several times. I knew how that felt. But sandy-hair kept shaking his head no. Tears came to my eyes then–as they do now. I was so proud of him. I knew how dangerous the leader was and I knew he wanted them all to be together on this night. Share the ugliness, you know? I wondered what he would later do to sandy-hair.

    They ended up driving me back–music blaring–a couple blocks from where they had grabbed me off the street. I was shocked when the leader turned the music down and told me–get out, walk away, do not turn around, keep walking, we know where you live and if you tell anybody we will kill them–and you and your family. I got out and didn’t turn around. I believed them. They had (inadvertently most likely) left me at the end of my own block.

    Bloodied, bruised, and a little dizzy…I didn’t go home, though. In a kind of trance (concussions) I automatically headed to the only person I had once thought cared about me–the ex-boyfriend’s. I avoided the streets and carefully made my way through people’s yards, darting across streets when I had to, and when I finally got there I hid in a dark corner of his family’s breezeway. I remember wondering why I was there–remembering he had a new girlfriend. But I just needed a place to hide–like a wounded animal. I’d leave quietly and go home–before the sun came up.

    I didn’t realize the ex wasn’t home yet. He found me rocking in the corner making moaning animal sounds. When he turned on the light–I must have looked a shocking sight.

    He spent a long time trying to get me to tell him what happened. But I was convinced they would kill him if I told. Finally I did–then he had to gradually convince me to go to the police station down the street. I finally let him walk me down there. I remember how safe I felt walking through the police station doors. (Had grown up being told to trust the police.)

    But they didn’t believe me. True–I am, shall we say, a bit on the unique side. (A born flower child before there was such a thing.) I didn’t really realize it for quite a while. I told them everything I told you here and more. How I was glad I had had the intimate boyfriend senior year so that wasn’t my first time…and how glad I was that it had been me and not my little sister or any of my friends. They made me tell them over and over again. (Later it dawned on me how funny they thought it was–me talking to rapists about love was apparently the most amusing.) They insinuated I must have wanted the sex, gone into the car willingly, shouldn’t have been wearing shorts, a tank top and bare feet, or maybe my ex beat me up because he caught me with another guy? I chuckled at the very idea–he wouldn’t have hurt a fly. (My sense of humor is not normal, either, and usually remains during times of crisis.)

    That was 50 years ago this past July. The police never believed me. They made me feel like it was somehow my fault. They made me feel small, worthless, and dirty. Reporting to the police–was not something I would ever do again. If the ex hadn’t pushed me to report it I would have done as I had planned–gone home in the predawn, showered, tried to cover up the bruises and blood blisters on my face (leader had a big ring on) with makeup, and never told anyone but maybe my BFF at the time. Not sure I would have even eventually told her. You feel so violated and shocked and scared and worthless and defiled…and why do women usually blame themselves in the first place? It makes no sense. If I had been walking down the street naked that does not give another human being the right to attack me…and how in the world does a crying girl turn a man on? It’s about hate and power. Not sex. You are a thing. You are not a person. Not human. Worthless.

    I had other events happen with men–verbal harassment, groping, pinned against walls, fought my way out of cars…and was even date raped a year later. (What happens when you decide to drink away your fears and try to drown the nightmares that steal your sleep–and you get too drunk at a party with those kind of men I will never understand who would screw a corpse if they could…who leap at their chance to take advantage.)

    What bothers me the most is the women who don’t believe the victims. The women who automatically assume other women are making it all up…or cannot understand for the life of them why anyone would wait decades to say something. (Very, very few women “make it up”…and only if it is to some kind of great advantage.) Those women who have no more empathy than the men protecting themselves and each other…I’ll never understand them, either, I guess.

    Sorry, Kate. I am so glad you did speak out. This all just kind of spilled out of me. I was going to delete it, but I think I’ll send it. *hugs*

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  15. Hmm. This is a tough one for me, because I’m conflicted on the topic. I apologize for the long comment in advance. I think as women, most of us have encountered some sort of sexual misconduct to varying degrees. I can name several times when I was sexually mistreated (not raped), but none of them left me with lasting effects. However, I do remember each one of them, not all the details, but I remember the incidents (and they happened long ago).

    The Bill Cosby thing really makes me sad. I think so many of us respected his humor and persona at one time. We’ve been completely disillusioned and disgusted.

    What’s scary is that when someone falsely accuses a man, it makes it more difficult to believe the real victims. It also gets confusing when the media picks and chooses which womens’ stories to convict men for without a trial (guilty until proven innocent) and which ones to ignore. The inconsistency makes it difficult to know who the real victims are. If only these public figures could be tried in private so the women didn’t have to face the public. I don’t know if that would work better or not.

    I fear that MeToo has gotten out of hand. A coworker where my husband worked was reprimanded for looking at women. LOOKING at women. A couple of girls in his office complained that they didn’t like they way he eyed them.

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    • There will always be some people unjustly accused but I think the majority of the accusations are on target. Many are never reported at all. Sometimes, as was the case with Bill Cosby, we can’t believe it because we think we knew the person. It doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I’ve been leered at and had the uncomfortable whistles but as long as there is no touchy-touchy, we can get over it (although where are their manners). When it comes to affecting my job or indecent assault it’s a different ball park. Thanks for your comment.

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  17. Hi, Kate – As a blogger, and blog reader, I also stay away from controversial topics. For that reason, I almost skipped reading this post. I’m so glad that I didn’t. It is extremely well-written and needs to be said. I’m not a big user of social media but I have shared this post on all of the sites that I have. I encourage others to do the same!

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    • Thanks. I’m like you. I often scroll by controversial topics especially political ones. I struggled with whether I should publish or not, reversing myself several times. In the end, I decided to go with it. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

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      • I hesitate too on more controversial topics. I see too much vitriol online and have noticed people will come out of the woodwork to comment on “hotter” topics. And some, like yours, feel too personal to be open to any kind of attack or even critique.

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        • I get it. I block most political stuff from my Facebook page but after the Cosby verdict, one popped up. I was stunned at how many folks think he was railroaded. Not just that they disagreed but used trucker language (my apologies to all truckers who don’t use foul language).

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  19. Bill Cosby is indeed an abscess on society. He probably deserves to be incarcerated. I am not a judge or jury. But, why, why is it ok for his accusers to come forward now and they kept silent for all these years. That is not ok. Is there a lesson to be learned from this? How do we unsilence and help all the victims who have been keeping secrets and hurting themselves all these years. Yes, our society is now focused on teaching how to prevent and stop abuses…but come on folks, don’t wait! One caveat here…I would be interested in the verdict of such heinous crimes. But, please, how many times do we need to see people walking in and out of the courthouse? If I happen to be enjoying and watching a program on TV, I truly don’t want to hear over and over and over again the reporters take on what’s happening. Just give me the final decision.

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    • They don’t speak out because of the consequences to themselves. They end up being victims twice. Once by the perp and second by the people. Can’t say I blame them but we have to change that dynamic. I agree with the TV coverage. A 5 minute decision and wrap up took over an hour.

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  21. I couldn’t agree more with everything you said along with your faithful commenters. I knew they were going to put Cosby jail. They had to, his crimes were just too blatant. Of course, how long he’ll stay there will be a question since they do tend to let the old and feeble out, like Brook Astor’s son.

    I”ve been sexually harassed many times in my modeling life, and was told it’s part of the price of doing business. I do feel the time has come for it all to stop once and for all.

    What bothered most about Bill Cosby, was he drugged these women who clearly wanted to know him, because he couldn’t be bothered talking to them. That for me is a real mind blower.

    Hubris at its ugliest.

    Harvey’s next.

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  24. Spot on. So many, many different kinds of harassment and so rarely do men get called on it.

    There’s a feminist I follow, and she was recently, randomly, groped at a nightclub. She chased after the guy and beat the crap out of him. She was much smaller, but he was expecting to just “grope and go,” as he always had, and was unprepared for the onslaught of fury she unleashed on him. (She tweeted bruises of her hands, later.) I wish that could happen every single time assaulters grabbed woman’s boobs or butt, but so often we are unprepared when people break expected societal norms.

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  25. If only everybody could get themselves to the point of going public (not a realistic expectation), then I think we would be shocked at how often unwanted attention is experienced. I experienced groping from a man when I was about 14. I never told anybody because I did not know how to explain what happened, and how it would be received. My ex-wife experienced sexual abuse when quite young, and my daughter has had a number of bad incidents.
    I find it hard to believe that those examples in my life are much different from anybody else’s experiences. What really disappoints me is that there are still arguments that “she invited the attention”, as if the man had nothing to do with it. Of course, if his brain is located in his penis………………..! One would like to believe that this will change in the future but, based on the progress made during my life time, I am not too optimistic for the immediate future.

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  27. I think its good that women can speak out more and be believed, but I don’t like men being vilified on social media after one accusation and no proof. It’s a tricky balance.

    I think sexual abuse has been more prevalent than anyone realises and sometimes it is hard to speak out. My biped was groped when she was 13 by one of the helpers at the church youth club. This is the first time she’s told anyone. She didn’t say anything at the time as she knew it would be brushed off as nothing, an accident. She just froze, she was mortified and it was painful.

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  29. I endured groping and inappropriate attention for all my teen years until I said “No more” to my predator. Dads are supposed to protect their little girls, not take them behind a tree and put their hands in their pants. It’s not a good memory.

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  30. A good post Kate. It does leave a mark on the memory, and women don’t come forward because they are not seen as victims, plus many aren’t believed.
    There are a couple of experiences in my younger life that led me to be very uncomfortable around males. One I could blame on him having one too many at a party (I was married then) the other when I was 12 and there was no excuse. I kept quiet, not wanting to wreck marriages or rock boats. It was inappropriate and not encouraged, but it made me nervous and wary for years.

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