Another failure for me.

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Fortunately the beloved husband doesn’t need a lot of affirmation!

Are you a nice person? Genuinely nice? Do you remember things, some important, about people and ask about them. Do you remember when they are ill and inquire about their health? I am not and don’t. *bangs head on table* I admire people who do that but my mind runs a hundred miles an hour and I forget to ask the obvious even when the person is on a walker because they just had a hip replacement. If that is you, please know I care even if I forget to ask how you are doing.

If you are gravely ill, I will do all the protocol things – card, flowers, visit (maybe, maybe not – not all people like to be stared at when they are ill!) but you need to be on death’s door. I will celebrate your recovery with you but will be more concerned that we have the right drinks and food. Someone has to remember that. You’re welcome.

I watched a program where a loved one dies and people are lamenting that they didn’t say how much they cared. That made an impact on me although not enough to change my behavior.

The beloved husband went to a baseball game earlier today. I was busy with stuff that doesn’t matter (isn’t that how it always works) when he left. Then I realized I didn’t ask him how his eye is (it’s been bothering him and he’s on meds for it) nor did I hug him and tell him he’s important to me.

It was troubling that I again failed miserably in the human test but I convinced myself that he knew all that. If his eye was worse he would have complained about it. (I am very good at rationalization.) For my penance I went to the mall to fondle (and possibly purchase) merchandise topped by a pizza lunch.

He came home. His eye is fine but I still didn’t give him a hug. He’s mowing the lawn now so for sure I’m not hugging after that. Maybe before dinner after he has a nice shower. If I remember.

Are you that good person?

55 thoughts on “Another failure for me.”

  1. Sounds like you are a good person and we feel like the husband understand. We can’t all be on top of everything all the time. Hope the vet visit goes well for Mollie. Have a great day.

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  3. It’s funny how our brains record and repeat things differently. I’m very hit and miss with this kind of followup. I will sometimes remember things that don’t matter all that much and then forget things that do! It’s clear your “weakness” in this area doesn’t really bother him. So glad he’s ok!

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    • He is used to it although after I watched that show I realized we should be saying kind things more often since they may be the last words. I feel worse when I don’t follow up with friends who are having stressful situations.

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  4. I forget to ask follow-up questions all the time… it’s only until much later that I remember, and then it just seems silly. Which reminds me, I’m having lunch tomorrow with a friend who had some serious health concerns last year. She’s out of the woods now, but I need to remember to ask her how she is doing.

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  5. I think all of this really speaks more to the thoughts and ruminations that are probably running in your head. My wife is the most empathetic person I know, but she’s got too many thoughts churning in her head at any one time to remember to ask about something. So she slips at asking about things too, but once the issue is front and center (me whining about something) then she’s full of attention. I suspect you might be the same?

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    • Sure. You bring it up and I’m sympathetic (mostly unless it’s boring 🙂 ) It is a matter of my mind running too fast. When I see someone there are other things I want to connect about so I forget the social amenities.

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  6. I never think to ask people about the things in their lives. I work in the evenings with a woman who always remembers. She remembers that you told her that your grandchild stubbed her toe and asks about it when you walk in the following week. I don’t even remember your grandchild had a toe 5 minutes after you left my sight.
    She is thoughtful and has all the southern charm that makes her chat feel warm and sincere. I am not thoughtful and if you want to talk to me I’m probably only going to give you minimum responses until I know you well. I rarely start the conversations.
    If I could have all my interactions in writing by internet – I MIGHT be a better person. But probably not.

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  7. Kate, you are a good person. I certainly don’t think you have failed miserably in the human test… nope, definitely not! You are right in that we all have our strengths and if who we are isn’t enough for people then that’s okay too. There are so many different reasons to want and keep people in our lives. I haven’t ever met you in person but I know I would enjoy sitting down with you and having a slice of pizza and a glass of wine. And that would be good enough,,, and I know I would enjoy the cat chat! So sorry Molly has a sore tooth… owieeee.

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    • It’s not so much that I’m a “bad” person but wish I was more thoughtful. As you say, we all have our strengths. I would love pizza with you! What fun that would be! Awww Mollie…as soon as I made the appointment she stopped carrying on. Still going in as there are some behavior changes with food and eating so she may still have a toothache. I’m sure it will be a blog. This morning I was so proud. She ate half can of Fancy Feast (never did that in 13 years!). Five minutes later she barfed it all up. Food rental. I should get cashback for that.

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  8. You are a good person – just not particularly demonstrative. You are one of those people who is secretly warm, but doesn’t make a big show of it. And I’m sure your BH knows that and he knows you love him and care about him!

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    • Awww, thanks! Since you know me in person, I take it as a compliment. You are right that I’m not particularly demonstrative (except about the cats when my arms fly!). It’s all though years in HR suppressing emotion. Secretly warm, I like that.

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  10. Oh Kate, you are a good person! You can tell your heart from your posts and that is my conclusion. 🙂
    Good pic of your hubby and sounds to me like he knows you love and care about him just fine!
    Yes, I guess I am one of those “good” people that you talk about, but trust me I have other flaws! But just to let you know yes my husband and I can still be lovey dovey and we do kiss each other regularly before going out the door and we been married a lot longer than 5 years. 🙂 So nope, not just for the newlyweds.

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  11. Poor Molly! (funny I always ask about the health of friends’ dogs and cats?)
    Maybe we’re from an era where personal/health information was considered “private” and only needed to be mentioned to those at the nightly dinner table.
    Or it was grandmothers’ indoctrination “that everyone has their cross to bear…and nobody really wants or needs to know about your ails and complaints….not proper conversation…” (and no, they told the little girls, “nobody needs to see/know you have on “Monday” underwear.”…from those popular gift sets of weekly ones. Same concept?)
    Celebrities today have never heard that admonishment it seems, and telling everyone seems to have infected the general public.
    Gentle paw pat sent

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    • Now that I think about it, I do remember when a friend’s pet has an ailment. My mom’s oldest sister was dying from age 40 until she died in her 90s. We all know someone that we are afraid to ask how they are for fear they will tell us.

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  12. I am a good person who doesn’t pry into other people’s lives. IF someone wants to tell me about his or her illness or injury I’ll listen and ask questions, BUT I won’t inquire after someone’s health specifically. Therefore I think that how you handle things makes perfect sense.

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  14. He didn’t slam the door as he went out, so all must be well. Does he know you call him the beloved husband? That sounds so warm and loving. I just call John by his name, and he doesn’t consider it bathroom language.

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  15. I echo Val’s comment.

    Some people are great about asking all the “right” questions . . . but they don’t pay any attention to the answers. I’d rather hang out with someone like you who doesn’t ask at all. 😀

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  16. LOL. Well, you probably recall that I wrote a post titled, “I’m not as nice as I thought.” But, I’m not nice for different reasons. I’m not nice because I’ve been told I’m too blunt. Yeah, I say it like it is, and that’s not always pleasant for some people.

    I just wrote a long story about something I learned regarding your post and deleted it. I think I’m just going to shorten it and say that at a funeral, there are two kinds of people, those who cook and clean for the guests who came to pay respects. And, those who stay with the bereaved and give a compassionate shoulder to cry on. I’m the latter. My mother-in-law was the former. I never understood that for the longest time. We each use the talents we’re given.

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  17. We often give to others what we expect for ourselves …. and it sounds like you don’t expect much demonstrative attention or adoration Kate. It’s your default. And those who know you understand that. 💕

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  18. Of course you’re a good person Kate, and I’m sure your Hubby knows that.
    I don’t remember as much as I used to, but I wake up knowing I’m loved and fall asleep knowing I’m still loved even if I’ve been shitty all day.
    That is one thing I make sure Hubby knows too.

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  19. I feel this. When we were first married, the husband and I did huge hello/ good-bye kisses and hugs. Then we got busier. We got dogs. We got dogs who thought if we were hugging, they should also hug. In self-defense, we hugged less.

    Sometimes I feel like we should make more of an effort, that small moments are important. We should express more appreciation. I should bitch less to my girlfriends and praise more.

    Then I saw research showing that all those people who praise their significant others and rave about them on FB are liars and miserable deep down and I thought, “Nah, we good.”

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    • Great comment! I can get behind this. When I was in my 20s there was a married couple friend of mine. They were so lovey-dovey with cute names and all that. Hand holding, phone calls (back in the day before cell phones), the works. They never made it to 5 years of marriage.

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  20. Nope, I am not good. Part of it is perhaps brain damage from having gotten electrocuted, so a lot of time I feel ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and forget to ask how this one is, or how that nice young man I met with you last time is doing etc. *shrug* I mean well and I care, and I forget many important things completely. Seldom do I take things personally though, so that’s a plus. It is unlikely I would whine if someone forget my birthday or to ask if I’m ill etc.

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    • I never expect someone to follow up on an illness unless it was truly life threatening. I wasn’t feeling good for a few days in January. A week or two later someone asked how I was feeling and I didn’t even remember being sick.

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  23. You definitely are a good person, Kate. Or you wouldn’t have adopted Hazel, Molly, Morgan and Gracie. You also wouldn’t have given a second thought to not remembering to ask about your husband’s eye (which I am glad to hear is now fine). I hope that he does give you a big, sweaty hug when he is finished mowing the lawn. If so, please post about that — with photos! 🙂

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