Naked and speechless

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Notice there is nothing in the speech bubble! That's me! Source: school.discoveryeducation

Notice there is nothing in the speech bubble! That’s me! Source: school.discoveryeducation

If you’ve been reading the last few weeks you know I’m teaching a class in public speaking. It’s a damn good thing it’s not at a nudist colony or I’d be fired.

I just finished the sixth doctor appointment in three weeks. When you have had cancer the chances of getting it elsewhere is greater than a “normal” person (and I use that term loosely because we all know how normal I am). I have a specialist for just about every body part there is and it’s their job to make sure I am healthy.

The last appointment was with my dermatologist. It was for a whole body cancer check. You have to be buck naked for that.

There is this weird phenomenon, at least for me. When I’m naked my talking skills don’t work. I forget words and get all tongue-tied.

Part of it is that I use words like barnacle, thingy and booger for growths on my skin. Dermatologists use words that end in keratosis or an –itis. I know those words but they don’t roll off of my tongue. If I am naked they get all twisted up and really don’t roll off my tongue.

I don’t understand this but I lived it again. I stuttered like a kindergarten kid (most kindergarten kids are far more articulate than I was). I had to explain two boogers on my face which were removed last week by another doctor.

The beloved husband says I can talk for 20 minutes about nothing (by nothing he means about things that I like – cats, frogs, pond, stupid people at Starbucks). Yet in this setting for which I go prepared with diagrams of all my boogers and barnacles, I am speechless.

I know the difference between the various boogers and even know the technical terms for them, yet if a doctor is in the room and I am buck naked, I can’t remember anything. I have difficulty remembering my birthdate. It’s important to know that because it’s the first question they ask you.

And this is why I need to take a person with me to a doctor appointment! I’d feel better if they were buck naked too.

66 thoughts on “Naked and speechless”

  1. Pingback: A different kind of spring cleaning | Views and Mews by Coffee Kat

  2. Kate, You and all of your warts and boogers are beautiful. And yes, it is really important to have another “ear” with you at these times. When Charley has an appointment, I make sure I’m taking notes. Sometimes I’ve actually seen him “shut down” when the news was not good. Having someone with you is best on so many levels. I wish you much health and look forward to many more blog posts filled with your positive attitude toward life. Clare

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    • Sometimes there is no humor in doc’s offices. It’s all business. Get in, look at boogers, freeze them off and on to the next. I will consider it next time though. I usually come with a fleece throw because I get cold when I’m naked. This time I forgot it. That usually gets a laugh from the doc.

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  4. This made me laugh. Had me remembering an GYN appointment I once had, where the doctor went through an entire dialogue about our local basketball team, carrying on a rather spirited conversation, all while doing a GYN examination. Somehow, with me spreadeagled on the examining table, I managed to remain engaged in conversation, even though the whole time my mind was screaming something along the lines of “this is just too weird for me”. I agree. If we have to be naked, then they should have to be naked too. Let’s start a petition. 🙂

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  5. I hope everything turned out well and that you got a clean bill of health. You have reminded me that I need to go and get all kinds if checkups 😦
    As far as the dress code goes, I’m not surprised you felt stripped of your dignity. I just remembered someone once told me a lady ALWAYS wears white gloves and a hat 😉

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  6. I don’t think I’d do any better! Perhaps you should adopt an alter-ego and take her to these appointments! It’s not important that you’re articulate, just that you follow-through. When you leave these appointments I hope you head right to Starbucks and reward yourself!

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    • It works better when I have a cloth sheet instead of the stupid paper and when they talk to me clothed first. When I had breast cancer everyone wanted to check my boob. I am fairly sure that I showed it to the orderly for no reason at all. I don’t think it’s pride or modesty. Not sure what it is. It may be the apprehension and tension from the wait prior to the procession entry of all the docs.

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  11. It isn’t even that you are buck naked. Its that there is another human carefully studying your nakedness as though you are a scientific lab monkey.

    Asking you to raise you arms touching or prodding you like you are just meat.

    It’s so surreal. I think anyone who can hold a normal conversation in those circumstances is possibly a sociopath.

    I have been putting off going to a dermatologist even though I have a spot on my leg that seems sort of suspicious if I believe Google. Sigh.

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    • You hit the nail on the head. I know they work hard to make me feel better but it’s not working. At least this visit was two woman and one male. Not that it really matters. I liked the intern. She was friendly and thorough. I was relieved when she did the exam only to have the doctor repeat the whole thing. It was a two-fer. Skin things are weird. You should get it checked. I know all the signs but I could swear the signs are in most of my barnacles.

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  12. As someone who had a “maybe” cancer (a long story, only my ex-onconologist knows for sure), I do send you my hearty congrats on a clean bill of health. Women get the “prize” for being more vulnerable in a doctor’s office when buck naked. But no matter what your gender, it’s quite unpleasant. Rest on your laurels for another year, Kate. And have a rewarding cocktail to forget about it.

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    • Congrats on your clean bill of health too. I may add there were three other people in the room — the doctor, the intern and the techie. I was the only one naked (yes I had a piece of paper on me but really….) Very large cocktail!

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  15. What timing! Tomorrow morning I go for another post-cancer check up so I’ll be dealing with the paper sheet once more. I always write down any questions or concerns for doctor visits because I’d never remember them otherwise. The way I figure, the doctors are the experts so let them do all the talking. Great post, Kate!

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  16. That’s funny: it was my dermatologist who first used the term “barnacles” for my skin thingies. As someone who has had melanoma, I don’t mind taking it all off one bit. I figure he has seen just about every body type and, every six months, he “gets” to see mine. I’m glad you received a clean bill of health!

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  18. Sympathies. Ugh. Hate going to doctors who force you to disrobe. My brain stops working and terror takes over. If I’m fully clothed I’m attentive, but naked there’s not a chance that I’ll remember a thing they say. So frustrating.

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  22. A friend just told me about a recent production of “Calendar Girls”. I shuddered to think of what these senior actresses actually did … on stage! They were covered appropriately with props at the right time, but they had to be comfortable enough with themselves to get into the position for the camera shot during the show. I told him, “I’m no longer comfortable taking my clothes off to shower and I’m always alone!” I can’t imagine what you have to go thru at the doctor’s appointment. Glad you are OK though.

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      • Fabric is also my friend and shorts are only worn in my private back yard for mowing or weeding. Capris are getting longer for obvious reasons. I just saw a photo on Facebook of two toddlers in swimsuits and realized that my body is regressing to that shape.

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        • Can’t remember the last time I wore a swimsuit. Last time I was at the shore I just wore cut-offs and a tank top. It’s not like I go in and swim anyway. Maybe if I went to a nice private pool I would consider it.

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  23. Sometimes I struggle to talk to people face to face, fully clothed so if you add nudity into the mix… yeah I doubt I’d do very well haha

    Actually, I’ve never really had a conversation fully starkers, maybe it would be less awkward.
    Maybe we should all just be naked and sit round a table or something. Everyone in the world just come for… tea or something and get stripped off.

    Or maybe not…

    Anyway, sorry I rambled, I hope everything is going well for you 😊

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