Yes, you read that right. Yes, it is true. I can’t make this stuff up.
Locally we had a serial sperm squirter on the loose. Don’t worry, they caught him. You are safe.
It was in the newspaper. The article was short which lead to a long list of questions.
First the facts – A man was apprehended for squirting sperm on a woman. She complained. More woman came forward to say the same thing had happened to them. That means he is a serial sperm squirter. So far they have identified three incidents – two in or near bus terminals and one in a grocery store (I wonder what aisle it was? Canned goods? Hygiene products? Fruit loops?).
He would squirt them on the “buttocks.” That’s a quote from the newspaper.
My first thought — it’s winter here and most buttocks are covered with layers of coat. Does he spray the coat? Or does he target women with short jackets? In that case he could spray their jeans or pants.
Does he think that his “swimmers” would be strong enough to penetrate clothing? Is he trying to raise a baseball team? Is that remotely possible?
He is 58 years old. Do aging swimmers get tired faster? (Are there studies on this? How are those studies done? Is there a government grant?) Would they (the sperm) get confused and know where to swim especially if they are landing on clothing and not skin?
Is he aware that he would need to pick his targets based on their cycles?
How did he squirt? Did he use a water pistol? Do they make sperm shooters? Can you buy them on Amazon? (Clearly if I was a good blogger I would google this but I worry about seeing sperm shooting ads on all my apps. The beloved husband put password protection on his computer for this reason.).
Is it his sperm? Does he have a little collection room in his house with dirty magazines and a small vial? Does he get it from a sperm bank or perhaps pay college students who just love doing that?
So many questions. You don’t have to worry. He’s sitting in jail. His bail is $50,000. Imagine that! For being a serial sperm squirter.
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Now Kate I think I have heard it all…….really? I thought you were talking about a neighbours cat at first. Oh dear oh dear. Life in rural Australia is so dull. Phew!
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Dull is good. Really. The last thing you want in your neighborhood is a serial sperm squirter.
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Agreed!
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That is creepie… and just, ewwwwww.
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Yes very creepy.
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What’s wrong with people?
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I could send him up to your hotel. He would make some interesting stories.
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For such a disgusting story there are so many ways this is hilarious! I love the way you report he did what he did and “She complained.” Just complained? LOL! Yikes! I would not have wanted the job of of writing that story for the paper. Accurately describing what occurred without making it sound funny was pretty much impossible. On the upside, I”m glad he’s been apprehended.
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Both articles were small and without much detail. I would have loved to be the reporter for this story but I probably would have either gotten suspended or lost my job.
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A former co-worker of mine watched a man, um, well, “unload” on the back of a coat of some woman on the NYC subway once. My friend screamed, the man ran as soon as the door opened, and my co-worker then took a gym towel out of her bag and kindly wiped off the woman’s coat and then tossed the towel in the garbage. I’ve reminded this woman for years that she absolutely ruined my coffee time by telling me that story. You’ve come awfully close, Kate! 🙂
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He must have been a “quick” shooter. My goal is to make the coffee spurt out of your nose. I am in awe of your friend. I would have definitely tossed the towel too! Wonder what the woman did with her coat?
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When I heard the story on the News they did not specify the bodily fluid, I was left to use my imagination, which went to a poop. Now that you revealed the truth I can be completely horrified, yet also curious. They said it was in a bag….
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I know. So many questions and no DAMN answers! Come on reporters!
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Oh, sperm shooters are all the rage these days. You can buy them in the supermarket right next to the nut section. They even have the long range pump action shooters like they sell for water guns. They come with a warning label but no one ever pays attention to it. The last time I looked they had a special which consisted of a sperm gun, a box of juicy fruits, Honey Nut Cheerios and powdered donuts for 9.99. Quite the deal if I do say so myself. Just in time for the Easter egg hunt.
I wonder who his cell are is and how that conversation is going.
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They didn’t give any information on his family. How would you tell your family? He will probably plead innocent. Don’t they all? I’ll keep that special in mind if I need an Easter gift. Mostly I prefer coconut eggs myself.
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I’m with oldgirlnewtricks … I was expecting a rather entertaining (and slightly icky) kitty story. This is just gross, disgusting, perverted, and disturbing. The saddest part of all? It’s also TRUE.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. (I’m gonna go wash my mind out with soap now)
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I know! I was half hysterical while reading it at the kitchen table! The first article was that he was caught. Two days later some other women had come forward and they called him a serial squirter. I had never even heard the term before.
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Gosh, he may squirt the bailiff or guards.
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That would make a great story!
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Yikes, how gross. But FUNNY!!! I’m sure he was near the Fruit Loops!
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Or maybe he was one of them…..
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Just goes to show you that California doesn’t have the market cornered on crazy people.
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Not by a long shot!
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I wonder if he has to reload? What a pistol!
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Another question unanswered! Damn those reporters! Can’t they get the whole story?
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Journalism these days. So many amateurs. 😀
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You got that right. You would have made that into a book deal!
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Think of the money we could make!
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His mother must be so proud…
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Probably rolling in her grave…
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Yuck! You learn something new everyday.
I’m guessing that the reason for the high bail is that it could be, as you said above, a gateway crime. He wants to be a rapist, but he’s afraid to so far.
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He’s 58. There was a head shot (no pun intended) of him and he looked like a Wally Cox-type.
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(oh my … I was doing okay until I got to the “no pun intended” part of these comments). I nearly squirted something myself (limeade through my nose).
You are too funny, Kate. On this Super Tuesday, I needed a good laugh! 🙂
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Glad I could oblige!
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Ewww! I can’t believe you tackled this one, but I admit it made me laugh! I, too, had pondered some of the same points. Well done, well done!
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The article was so incomplete! It’s winter! How did he do it! Where are those thorough reporters when you need them. It never occurred to me that it wasn’t with a device, that he would….ummmm….just hand it off (so to speak).
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I wonder if serial sperm shooters need a concealed weapon permit. I’m guessing they don’t go to a target range to learn how to use their weapon or to perfect their skills.
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Most likely have a target range in his basement. Concealed permit would be a great idea.
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When I worked in the mall in high school, there was one of these guys. They caught him when he sprayed down Mrs. Field’s glass cookie display case. My poor friend was working there at the time. 😦
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A cookie case? What did he use? This is so intriguing because I never heard of it before. I must lead a sheltered life.
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He used his hand to prime his weapon. His weapon was part of his body. (Not sure how explicit I can get on WP?)
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OMG! It never occurred to me that this guy could have whacked off to spray. Wouldn’t someone notice something sticking out of clothing? Is he that fast on the….ummm….trigger? Again…more questions.
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I am pretty sure this is how all the serial squirters behave. Au natural, as it were.
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I didn’t think you could “perform” on cue in a grocery store or bus terminal. At 58 you’d think he had ED. Now I am really grossed out. No willies allowed!
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Umm, yuck.
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Yeah, really.
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Does this mean he comes fully loaded, or just shooting his load? Wonder how he collects the samples……………….. no, scratch that., i don’t want to know. Urgh!!
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I know! More questions than answers!
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This is dreadful.
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I know but I couldn’t stop laughing. I wonder if it’s a gateway crime. You know…slippery road and all that.
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Man…they need to keep him locked up and throw away the key. So gross!
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I don’t think that will happen. Other than it’s gross, he didn’t touch or hurt anyone. Does grossing people out count? I’m still trying to find out if it’s a felony or a misdemeanor. Spraying with a deadly weapon? I was stunned at the high bail so maybe it’s a felony.
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It might depend on if he is HIV-positive, in addition to being gross.
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and being serial too.
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Maybe you can attend his trial and hear the testimony first hand, Kate. 😛
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Maybe I can have it streamed…..
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Hahaha. That is sick as hell. People are messed up.
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I keep trying to figure out a motive. Why would anyone do it?
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Creepy fetish? Ick
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😠
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I’m pretty sure he did it in the cereal aisle.
(Note to everyone — you all thought this too!)
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Damn! I bet you’re right!
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Me again – take my word for it – don’t google it. I did. 😦 ~Elle
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And now that will be trailing you for your entire life!
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I know! I’m afraid to open up Facebook! You know how those adds pop up…
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for the rest of your life. You will be on the government’s pervert list.
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Computers are a scary thing!
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Ewwwwwwwww. I have no more words.
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Verbal words? No. Written ones…hell yeah!
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I may google that Kate, but I do believe you. No one could make that up! Don’t you hate it when all the details are left out of an article? ~Elle
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Yes especially the interesting ones.
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I somehow wish I hadn’t been the first person to like this. 😦
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(I was first as I was writing)
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It is good to be first! (even if it makes you a little eager to find out what…)
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What is next??? I dread the thought! (At first I thought it was one of your cats!!!)
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My cats are much better behaved than most people. Of course I’ve never seen a person run around my house with a ribbon in their mouth.
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