Serial sperm squirter

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Source: sweetclipart.com

Source: sweetclipart.com

Yes, you read that right. Yes, it is true. I can’t make this stuff up.

Locally we had a serial sperm squirter on the loose. Don’t worry, they caught him. You are safe.

It was in the newspaper. The article was short which lead to a long list of questions.

First the facts – A man was apprehended for squirting sperm on a woman. She complained. More woman came forward to say the same thing had happened to them. That means he is a serial sperm squirter. So far they have identified three incidents – two in or near bus terminals and one in a grocery store (I wonder what aisle it was? Canned goods? Hygiene products? Fruit loops?).

He would squirt them on the “buttocks.” That’s a quote from the newspaper.

My first thought — it’s winter here and most buttocks are covered with layers of coat. Does he spray the coat? Or does he target women with short jackets? In that case he could spray their jeans or pants.

Does he think that his “swimmers” would be strong enough to penetrate clothing? Is he trying to raise a baseball team? Is that remotely possible?

He is 58 years old. Do aging swimmers get tired faster? (Are there studies on this? How are those studies done? Is there a government grant?) Would they (the sperm) get confused and know where to swim especially if they are landing on clothing and not skin?

Is he aware that he would need to pick his targets based on their cycles?

How did he squirt? Did he use a water pistol? Do they make sperm shooters? Can you buy them on Amazon? (Clearly if I was a good blogger I would google this but I worry about seeing sperm shooting ads on all my apps. The beloved husband put password protection on his computer for this reason.).

Is it his sperm? Does he have a little collection room in his house with dirty magazines and a small vial? Does he get it from a sperm bank or perhaps pay college students who just love doing that?

So many questions. You don’t have to worry. He’s sitting in jail. His bail is $50,000. Imagine that! For being a serial sperm squirter.

78 thoughts on “Serial sperm squirter”

  1. Pingback: Random 5 for April 3 – Sperm squirter, pie, disappointment, pond, neighbors | Views and Mews by Coffee Kat

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  6. For such a disgusting story there are so many ways this is hilarious! I love the way you report he did what he did and “She complained.” Just complained? LOL! Yikes! I would not have wanted the job of of writing that story for the paper. Accurately describing what occurred without making it sound funny was pretty much impossible. On the upside, I”m glad he’s been apprehended.

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  7. A former co-worker of mine watched a man, um, well, “unload” on the back of a coat of some woman on the NYC subway once. My friend screamed, the man ran as soon as the door opened, and my co-worker then took a gym towel out of her bag and kindly wiped off the woman’s coat and then tossed the towel in the garbage. I’ve reminded this woman for years that she absolutely ruined my coffee time by telling me that story. You’ve come awfully close, Kate! 🙂

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    • He must have been a “quick” shooter. My goal is to make the coffee spurt out of your nose. I am in awe of your friend. I would have definitely tossed the towel too! Wonder what the woman did with her coat?

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  8. When I heard the story on the News they did not specify the bodily fluid, I was left to use my imagination, which went to a poop. Now that you revealed the truth I can be completely horrified, yet also curious. They said it was in a bag….

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  9. Oh, sperm shooters are all the rage these days. You can buy them in the supermarket right next to the nut section. They even have the long range pump action shooters like they sell for water guns. They come with a warning label but no one ever pays attention to it. The last time I looked they had a special which consisted of a sperm gun, a box of juicy fruits, Honey Nut Cheerios and powdered donuts for 9.99. Quite the deal if I do say so myself. Just in time for the Easter egg hunt.
    I wonder who his cell are is and how that conversation is going.

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    • They didn’t give any information on his family. How would you tell your family? He will probably plead innocent. Don’t they all? I’ll keep that special in mind if I need an Easter gift. Mostly I prefer coconut eggs myself.

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  10. I’m with oldgirlnewtricks … I was expecting a rather entertaining (and slightly icky) kitty story. This is just gross, disgusting, perverted, and disturbing. The saddest part of all? It’s also TRUE.

    Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. (I’m gonna go wash my mind out with soap now)

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    • I know! I was half hysterical while reading it at the kitchen table! The first article was that he was caught. Two days later some other women had come forward and they called him a serial squirter. I had never even heard the term before.

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  16. Yuck! You learn something new everyday.

    I’m guessing that the reason for the high bail is that it could be, as you said above, a gateway crime. He wants to be a rapist, but he’s afraid to so far.

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  17. Ewww! I can’t believe you tackled this one, but I admit it made me laugh! I, too, had pondered some of the same points. Well done, well done!

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    • The article was so incomplete! It’s winter! How did he do it! Where are those thorough reporters when you need them. It never occurred to me that it wasn’t with a device, that he would….ummmm….just hand it off (so to speak).

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  19. When I worked in the mall in high school, there was one of these guys. They caught him when he sprayed down Mrs. Field’s glass cookie display case. My poor friend was working there at the time. 😦

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